From childhood, we absorb the norms of behavior that are “dictators” of decisions made in adulthood. And in this childhood, a sea of all kinds of situations that affect us happen to us. The inability to refuse people goes far back in childhood, when parents instilled in us the installation: be a good girl, a good boy What does this mean in the understanding of loved ones?

A “good child” is a comfortable child, flexible, polite, who has no right to object to an adult when he doesn’t like something. A “good child” is always and in everything good, at school it is always the headman or the teacher’s favorite. In adulthood, he is the right ward who will fulfill ALL the orders of his superiors so as not to spoil the relationship.

The inability to refuse also arises due to the emotional detachment of parents. The child subconsciously perceives himself as a hindrance, unworthy of a good attitude towards himself. The lack of emotional communication with parents leads to the search for support and acceptance from strangers. How can he get it? Only by adjusting to the desires of another. But you won’t become sociable and interesting that way.

At the psychological level, “yes” is perceived as emotional closeness, but “no”, on the contrary, repulses, – the adult deprived of parental attention is sure. But in fact, such an “eternally willing person” sacrifices his time, strength, talents and sometimes health for the sake of a dummy – an imaginary psychological closeness. Yes, he can hear “thank you”, but perhaps this is the maximum.

What can be the result of inability to refuse?

Reliability can play a cruel joke with you over time: people will perceive your kindness as weakness or softness and will use it for their own purposes when necessary, and sometimes even try to shift most of the work onto your shoulders. Respect your own time if you want others to reckon with you.

Most often, saying “yes” where it is possible and necessary to say “no”, we subconsciously try to please, to maintain a warm relationship with a person, although often such sacrifices are not worth it. In most situations, rejection is a way to delineate personal boundaries.

Take a look at your own life from the outside, evaluate how much time you spend on yourself, and how much on strangers and serving their interests. Do you have free time to devote to your hobbies? If you have a persistent feeling that people too often turn to you for “help” and you are unable to refuse (even when it should be done), then it is time to take decisive measures and learn to refuse once and for all. Now we will move on to the main part of our article – we will analyze specific techniques and techniques that will help you learn to say NO to people.

Reasons for not knowing how to refuse

Fear of offending the person asking for a service with a refusal. It is worth accepting the fact that there is absolutely nothing to be offended in this situation. Who said that your personal plans are less important than the affairs of a friend or acquaintance? If you explain the reason for the disagreement, discontent is out of the question. You don’t owe anyone anything.
Fear of losing a good attitude towards yourself. In fact, if a person sincerely expresses his sympathy for you, your unwillingness to fulfill the request cannot radically affect his opinion. On the contrary, when a demonstrative resentment arises, one can judge that there is a manipulator in front of you.
Fear of being impolite. Such thoughts in most cases are the costs of education. Adults teach children that disobedience is bad. It is extremely important to learn to discern whether the person really needs your help, or if he is quite able to cope with the problem on his own. If the former, then the decision rests solely with your conscience. If the latter, it is again about manipulation.
Fear of being rejected. If your friend is ready to help only in response, and not disinterestedly, you should think about whether communication with him is really so valuable.
Low self-esteem. It happens that personal affairs seem less significant than the plans of others. Then you need to work on realizing your own worth.

The consequences of fail-safe behavior

Could you constantly please everyone, fulfill requests, go to help? It is unlikely … Man, of course, is a social being, but in him lies the desire to satisfy YOUR needs first. If you are asked about a mere trifle, for example, go to the store for bread, and you really want to go to the toilet, which will be more important for you at this moment: the bathroom or the store? Naturally, the first!

It is normal for a person to have a healthy desire to satisfy their needs for air, water, food, sleep, and others. Otherwise, absolute reliability will bring him to exhaustion, death. At any age, a person has a sense of their own boundaries, which sometimes need to be defended.

A vivid example: a toy is taken away from a 3-year-old child, he will fight for it to the last (screaming, biting, etc.). Try again without scandal. Already at this age, without awareness, the baby defends his boundaries – he protects his property.

Without boundaries, you will not be happy. If you do not say “no” in time, you steal from yourself, provoke stress, which entails such troubles as stomach ulcers, problems with the intestines and heart.

What happens to a person who does not know how to refuse

When we help other people voluntarily, because we ourselves want to, we feel good and comfortable at the same time. If we agree to fulfill the request against our own desires, violating personal plans, then internal irritation immediately appears. The more often a person sacrifices his own interests for the sake of fulfilling other people’s requests, the more the following symptoms begin to appear in him:

loss of self-confidence;
self-esteem falls;
there is a feeling that they are using it;
vital activity decreases.

Others perceive a trouble-free person as soft-bodied and weak in character. They begin to actively use it for their own purposes, shift the lion’s share of the work onto it. You need to learn to respect your own time, then the rest will reckon with you.

Analyze how much time you spend on fulfilling the requests of strangers, and how much time you have left for yourself. Is it too often that people around you ask you for “help”, although they could easily cope on their own? Do you always agree to fulfill requests? Why are you doing this? Because in this way you want to maintain friendly relations or are you afraid to seem rude?

Remember the most important thing – by refusing a request, you do not automatically become a bad person. You have your own life, interests and plans. And if they contradict the request with which you were asked, then you have every right to say “no”. This is normal! This will allow you to maintain personal boundaries and prevent them from being violated.

About personal boundaries

Refusal can be polite or rude, harsh or gentle, but any refusal is always a person’s response to violation of his personal boundaries. We say no when we don’t want to do something, but in essence we refuse when someone invades our personal space and violates our boundaries.

In our country, for 70 years, there was no question of any personal boundaries: everyone could poke their noses into other people’s affairs, into someone else’s family, into the upbringing of other people’s children. For this reason, the question of how to learn to defend your personal space and say “no” (and refusal is one of the ways to defend your borders), currently worries many Russians.

To learn how to refuse correctly, you first need to understand why such a problem arises at all. Everyone knows how to pronounce the word “no”. But to firmly say this word when it is necessary to refuse someone, many do not dare. What stops trouble-free people and how can you still learn to say “no” so as not to offend the interlocutor, or not to feel guilty, or to be heard and understood? First, let’s try to understand what exactly prevents you from refusing.

Very often people are afraid to say no. This reaction is absolutely normal: people do not like to quarrel and conflict, even when they disagree with something. The explanation for this also lies in the historical and cultural characteristics of our people: sayings constantly slip in the turnover of Russian speech that say that fighting for your personal boundaries is bad. For example: “who is not with us – he is against us”, “together – not overweight, but apart – at least give it up”, “one for all – all for one.” Our social structure is built vertically, and such inequality, which is expressed at all levels in the “boss-subordinate” vertical of power, also exacerbates the problem of refusal: people are afraid to say “no”, because this can lead to conflict.

The ability to correctly refuse is useful not only in service, but also in everyday relationships. This skill can be learned.

Stand firm on your

If you decide to refuse, do not let yourself be persuaded. If you feel that you are almost ready to say “Okay, persuaded” or “Okay…”, then it is best to either interrupt communication or start giving the shortest possible answers, as we talked about above. This rule is especially true if you are dealing with manipulators, annoying colleagues, insolent relatives, etc. If you change your mind, for those around you this will be another evidence that you will definitely agree to everything, just push harder on you.

The same advice is relevant if you are “lucky” to run into a person who does not know how to accept rejections. For some, this trait is expressed so much that they seem to “turn off” when they hear the word “no”, and the conversation actually begins to go in a circle. In this case, we suggest that you simply end the conversation. Yes, the last word will remain with your interlocutor, but by that time you will have time to clearly express your position on this issue. Remember: he who has ears, let him hear.

Why you need to be able to say no

Trouble-free individuals are considered weak-willed. Without the courage to defend your interests, it is impossible to gain respect in society. Eventually, your kindness will simply be exploited. To feel your integrity, you need to find a balance between concession and your own desires. Definitely, constantly refusing, you run the risk of completely living your life alone. But when you have to step on the throat of your principles, you must learn to defend them.

Often a situation where we cannot refuse arises if, before giving an answer, we do not analyze the pros and cons, but act impulsively. As a result, such a decision will only benefit the one who will be helped.

Why is it so important to learn to refuse and say no?

What does the inability to say “no” and the constant provision of services to other people lead to?

By regularly responding to requests, you drain your inner resources, especially if you do it against your own will. Stress, burnout, nervous breakdowns, and apathy can be the consequences of this.

For example, you are burdened with additional unpaid work, you are constantly staying up late, and you come home tired. Of course, this negatively affects health, mood and family relationships.

Afraid to seem impolite and callous and constantly agreeing to everything to which you are being persuaded, you end up looking spineless in the eyes of those around you and unable to defend your “I”.
By fulfilling other people’s requests from time to time, you can relax them. Demonstrating constant reliability, you encourage their vices and weaknesses: laziness, selfishness, a tendency to consume, a desire to evade responsibility, and others.

For example, a friend regularly asks you for a loan because she does not know how to “live within your means”, correctly calculate your expenses and quickly spend all your savings. By fulfilling her request, you more and more allow her to plunge into the abyss of financial problems and an irresponsible attitude to money. Wouldn’t it be better to talk openly with your friend about this and try to help her change her approach to life?

You regularly sacrifice your interests, affairs, time, fulfilling someone else’s will. You can even stop developing spiritually by giving it all your strength.

For example, a neighbor every Saturday asks you to sit with her child all day and evening. You agree by opting out of gym visits and parenting visits. That being said, you know that she has relatives who will probably not approve of her regular meetings with friends and parties. Therefore, she turns to you, and you cannot competently refuse, because you feel sorry for the baby and sincerely want to help.

Realizing that you are constantly being used, you yourself begin to treat these people negatively, avoid communicating with them.

Benefits of failure

You are not wasting energy. Stop wasting your internal resources, which are not so easy to replenish, on activities that are of no value to you. Having learned to cut off the unnecessary in time, you will be able to more productively and effectively organize your day for yourself, devote the freed up time to your development.
You are pursuing a balanced life. There are days when you feel you could have done more. And this applies not only to work: each of the areas of life needs to be given enough attention, without getting hung up on any one. Saying “no” to additional work or other issues out of your plan can help you strike that balance.
You do not lose control of your own existence. By maintaining control over every situation, you are not letting other people rule your life. As a result, self-confidence and self-esteem increase.
You can build relationships based on the reaction to your rejection. The need for constant approval from the outside does not benefit you. Think about how you yourself would react if your request was refused? Will you be disappointed? Long-term relationships are possible only with mutual respect for the interests of each side.

What phrases to use to correctly refuse?

So, if you nevertheless decided to say no, then this must be done firmly and without hesitation. The following are very suitable as wording:

“I refuse, because it will cause me a lot of inconvenience “;
“I am sure you can handle this without my help”;
“Now it will be extremely inconvenient for me to help with this”;
“It looks like you just don’t want to bother yourself”;
“Not. To carry out this work, it is better to contact … (taxi driver, loader, plumber, etc.) “
“I do not want to do this”;
“I don’t have time for this.”

So, these 7 formulations maintain an optimal balance between politeness and sufficient categorization, while at the same time simple enough to refuse an inconvenient request. But in fact, what you say is not so important, the most important is how. The main thing is that confidence and firmness in your decision should be obvious to the interlocutor, and his attempts to persuade you nevertheless were not crowned with success. I think everything is clear with this. Now let’s look at a few important rules that will help you learn to refuse without experiencing moral discomfort.

Get started

One of the top tips: Overcome your fear of rejection and the resulting guilt. This is especially true in cases where the problem is caused by internal settings and / or if you are dealing with manipulators. Having said “No” once, you will see that the world has not turned upside down, but take on unnecessary tasks, problems, etc. you didn’t have to. For some people, such “experiments” on refusals after a series of endless agreements give a feeling of freedom, a feeling that they themselves control their own destiny, and so on. Perhaps you will like this experience so much that all the moral torment that could be associated with this event will disappear by itself.

Avoid Feelings of Guilt

one

Find out why you are trying not to say no. If you want to learn how to say “No,” you need to develop this habit. Think about what hidden reasons make you feel uncomfortable when you refuse someone. This will help you determine how unreasonable it is to be unable to refuse people.

Perhaps you are by nature inclined to please people. And you don’t want to upset anyone.
- You may be trying to avoid confrontation. Even the smallest confrontation puts you under stress.
- You may be afraid of making the other person angry. You feel and fear that you will not be happy if you say “No”.
2

Remember, you don’t need a reason to say “No”. Some people feel like they need a good reason to say no. But this is not the case. If you don’t want to do something, then you don’t need to. Try to remind yourself of this in situations where you cannot find a suitable reason to say “No”.
- For example, if a friend invites you to a concert and you just don’t like this kind of music, say so. Say, “No thanks. I don’t like live music and I’d rather stay at home. “
- If you’re invited to a party and you just don’t feel like going anywhere, say, “You know, I just don’t want to go anywhere tonight, maybe some other time.”
3

Recognize that everyone has their own boundaries, they are personal and subjective. You need to accept your boundaries and learn to say “No”. Everyone’s boundaries are personal and, as a rule, subjective. And it’s okay if your boundaries are not the same as others. Accept your own boundaries and allow yourself to stay within them.
Your boundaries are a reflection of who you are. Your boundaries are no better or worse than other people’s boundaries.
- Never compare your boundaries to those of other people. For example, you may feel guilty that your coworker is easier than you to agree to business meetings in noisy bars. But that’s just not your style.
- Your coworker may be more extroverted than you, and that’s okay. It’s also okay to refuse when you are invited to such events, even if others don’t, simply because it violates your personal boundaries.
four

Having given the answer, do not try to replay it. You may find it difficult to say “No” if you tend to ponder your decisions. If you have already said no, then make your decision and move on.
- Concentrate on how good you are. If you said “No” to something that takes away your energy or puts you into stress, you must be relieved.
- Focus on positive feelings, not guilt.
five

Understand that being able to say “No” will help you avoid anger and resentment. Saying “Yes” too often can lead to resentment towards everyone around you. If you are naturally inclined to please people, chances are you are saying “Yes” more often than you should. For example, if you consistently agree to what a friend asks of you, you will soon begin to quietly hate him. And even if you feel guilty for a while by saying “No,” it’s better than jeopardizing your valuable relationship.
6

Try to develop self-esteem. One of the reasons people find it difficult to say “No” is because they see their wants and needs as less important than the wants and needs of others. You need to build up your self-esteem to stop feeling guilty about rejecting people. For this:
- make a list of your strengths and strengths;
- talk positively about yourself to encourage yourself;
- find time for yourself and your hobbies;
- stop comparing yourself to others
- be realistic in setting your goals.

Books and training

Of course, refusing right is a skill that needs to be learned. You can learn to say “no” yourself, or you can practice in the form of training to build your personal boundaries and politely refuse to provide your services.

Books are great helpers on the path to a useful skill. You can read about how not to offend a person with your “no” in the following sources:

Patti Brightman, Connie Hatch How to Say No Without Remorse. And say yes to free time, success and everything that matters to you. ” Here you will see how to turn down meeting offers, avoid being rude from the opposite sex, not borrowing money, firmly preventing the whims of children. Learn to avoid conflict and guilt.
Greg McKeon “Existentialism. The path to simplicity “. In the book, the author describes the principle of life “less is better”. In it, you will learn how to refuse offers without offending the other person.

In addition to theory, it is also important to practice rejection phrases in practice, especially if this is not typical for you. A great opportunity to do this is to register on the Wikium website for the course “Effective Communication”.

By the way, Wikium is a very useful resource, where you can improve your cognitive processes: memory, attention, thinking. On the site you will find a lot of useful information and practical developmental lessons.

The Effective Communication course is one of those. Its purpose is to develop your understanding of the hidden emotions of the people around you, to develop skills for effective communication. The theoretical and practical material is supervised by a well-known expert on non-verbal communication, recognition of lies and emotional intelligence – Oleg Kalinichev.

After completing the online intensive, you will be able to understand your emotional reactions, manage them and in difficult situations do not give in to panic. You will also notice that communication with other people has become more effective, you understand them, manage conflicts and build harmonious relationships.

Remember to think about yourself

The problem for many who do not know how to refuse is that they very often think about others and too little about themselves. In itself, of course, it is beautiful, benevolent, noble, etc. However, this only becomes harmful to you if you are dealing with someone who cares only about themselves and does not think about you at all. In such cases, there is no one to take care of you except you. When dealing with such people, it is important to put your own interests, plans, goals, etc., first.

When you refuse someone, remind yourself that you don’t really owe anyone anything. In other words, you can help a person if you see fit, or you can not help – especially if you understand that in fact you are simply being used because you do not know how to refuse.

Once again, we repeat that we do not call for absolute egoism or for saying no to everyone. We only call for you to carefully approach the incoming requests and offers and agree because you really want and can help, and not because you cannot refuse.

Choose the right way to communicate

Of course, for most people it is more difficult to refuse in person than on the phone, and verbally is more difficult than in writing. Remember this and especially at first, choose the most convenient method for you (most likely, it will be electronic means of communication). Transfer to it even those who address you through another “channel”. For example, if a distant friend calls you with a request that seems completely inappropriate to you, say that you need to check your calendar, work plan, discuss it with your significant other, etc. And after a while, write your refusal – for example, by SMS, by mail, via social networks, etc. This will also help you to reduce the heat of bad emotions (both from you and from his side) and, probably, not allow yourself to be persuaded.

Just don’t overdo it

Have you learned to say no? Try not to become a habit. Why did you learn to refuse? To be able to defend your own boundaries, so that your interests do not suffer. If you can help a person, having free time and, most importantly, desire for this, do good deeds. You will be rewarded doubly. The essence of friendly support is not that it is “necessary”, but in doing things sincerely, not to the detriment of their own interests.

Remain calm [at least outwardly]

Calmness (at least outwardly) is a very important quality for those who want to comprehend the art of delicate refusals. First, calmness will be a testament to your self-confidence. Secondly, sometimes excessive emotionality can lead to conflicts and resentment. It turns out, for example, as follows. Suppose you are asked to sit with your child. Believing that the refusal will lead to a quarrel and proceedings, you initially answer with a challenge (although no one has reprimanded you for anything yet). As a result, your friend receives a verbal “slap in the face” for a quite calm request. Most likely, this is what will become the reason for his resentment, and not at all that you do not want to sit with the child.

And of course, keeping your outer calm increases the chances that you will soon achieve calmness and inner peace. And by this we mean that you will quickly begin to say no, without really experiencing moral torment.

Advice

So, let’s move on to practice so that when you answer “no” you don’t feel guilty. Below I want to give tips that will help you find an approach to each person who needs to be denied a request.

It is necessary to refuse correctly. In order not to be afraid that your refusal will offend the interlocutor, remember that beautifully and well-chosen phrases in case of refusal can, on the contrary, increase your authority and reputation.
We refuse loved ones with feeling. If you refuse to relatives and close people, speak softly and with regret. The person must understand your feelings in order to agree with your no.
Time to think. If you’re just starting to develop the confidence and habit of saying no, give yourself a head start — don’t say the answer right away. Take a break, for example, “I’m not ready to answer now, I’ll tell you in a while”. During this time, weigh the pros and cons. The outcome of your decision may vary, but you can be sure that you did the right thing, even if it is “yes”.
Service fee. Not in the literal sense, although it is possible! Any communication is an exchange of resources, information, etc. If something is demanded of you, someone is asked for something, it is not at all a shame to voice your interest in this matter. It looks like “Ivanych, you will have to.” At work, such a “service” may be supported by a document on additional paid services.
Crochet tail, snout nose! We are talking about a confident refusal: often people make a typical mistake: “Sorry, but I ..” This phrase sounds in the hope that the person will appreciate your politeness. But, forgive me, he wanted to spit on her, the result of his request is important to him, in other words, it is important whether he can use you. In protecting your time and energy, you don’t have to apologize.
Excessive kindness hurts. You can successfully remain a kind and sympathetic person, while skillfully refusing people when necessary. Protecting your time will prevent manipulators from nullifying your personal interests. Sometimes a tough barrier is required for tactless interference in your personal space.
“No no and one more time no”! Practice pronunciation of this word for especially persistent people. If they say “no” several times, they will understand that jokes with you are bad, and they will learn to accept your refusal the first time.
Get involved. Often times, a hard “no” does lead to a breakup in the relationship. Therefore, you need to connect your charm and desire to help a person. Only help not at the expense of your time and resources. Do you feel that you cannot help, but it is also difficult to refuse? Think about ways you can help. Offer an alternative, participation in the problem.

A firm no

In psychology, the ability to refuse without remorse is called assertiveness. It is this characteristic that combines confidence, participation in the problems of others and the ability to refuse. She is especially needed at work, when the boss overwhelms with work, climbs into personal life and gives unsolicited advice.

Are you lucky in life, and you have such a boss? It doesn’t matter, applying the advice of a psychologist, you can erect personal boundaries. Well, if it’s time to quit, and you feel that it will cause a lot of negativity, learn how to quit your job beautifully and still remain a good person.

Psychologist’s advice

The rules described above seem quite simple at first glance. But as soon as it comes to a real refusal, emotions are connected, the mind becomes clouded, and again we cannot squeeze out “no” out of ourselves in response to another request contrary to our own interests and plans.

To avoid giving up emotional discomfort, follow the advice of psychologists.

Imagine that you have to answer not for yourself, but for a friend. According to psychologists, we are more willing to take care of loved ones than about ourselves. Think about whether your friend will be comfortable with the request, whether it will make it difficult for him. Only then make a decision and give an answer. If the provision of a service is unacceptable for you, then such a technique will help you refuse without experiencing painful remorse.
Speak the truth without embellishing it. Tell them bluntly that you are uncomfortable with the request or that you cannot do well what you are asked to do. An adequate person will immediately understand that he is burdening you with his request, and will look for other options. Well, the inadequate will have to be repeated several times.
Accepting rejection is not easy. To mitigate it, it is best to use phrases like “this is not in my competence” or “unfortunately, I cannot help” instead of a categorical “no”. This will make it clear to the person that it is not about him, but about you.
Saying no will be easier if fulfilling the request causes you to break your obligations to your parents, loved one, or child. Before you agree, think carefully about how difficult the request will be, not only for you personally, but also for your loved ones.
Don’t make excuses that can trap you. The feeling of shame that arises from rejection forces many people to make excuses. They begin to expand and describe in detail the reasons for the refusal. As a result, your no starts to sound less and less convincing. If the interlocutor turns out to be a manipulator, then it will not be difficult for him to press on your pain points and put pressure on you in order to ultimately obtain consent.

Choose a response form

Sometimes the best refusal is to simply say “No” (a more detailed version – “No, I can’t,” “No, it won’t work that way,” etc.) without giving any explanation. This is especially true when you are dealing with manipulators (colleagues who have already hung their tasks on you or shameless relatives whom everyone owes). If they insist on an answer, do not indicate a specific reason, but answer as vaguely as possible: “I don’t have such an opportunity,” “I already said that I cannot do this,” “It absolutely does not suit me.” Repeat the same answer (for example, “No, I cannot”) until they leave you alone.

Short answers don’t give you an opportunity to break your excuses and show that, in fact, you can do everything. Plus, you won’t look like excuses. Another advantage: short answers will help you shorten the conversation, which means the chance that the other person will force you to do what he needs.

Of course, this advice is completely inappropriate if you are thinking how to tactfully refuse a friend, spouse or other close person – in short, someone who is really dear to you. In this case, it is necessary to give the reason.

Suggest options

If we are talking about people who are really dear to you, then it is logical to accompany the refusal not only with an indication of the reason, but also with the proposal of an alternative option. This, firstly, will demonstrate to colleagues / friends / relatives that, in principle, you want to help them and are ready to meet them, but the request they offer does not really suit you. Second, it can help you to relieve the guilt or embarrassment of rejection.

Among other things, this advice will help to cut off those who are not aimed at finding compromises or options that are more convenient for you, but simply want to shift their worries onto your shoulders.

How to say no correctly: 5 simple rules

The ability to correctly refuse, in general, boils down to politely listening to a request, weighing everything, and saying no. However, in practice, this is much more difficult than it seems, for the reasons that we have already discussed above. Therefore, let’s learn a few simple rules that will help you not only learn to refuse, but also do it in a way that does not feel emotional discomfort. Start following them the next time you feel the need to refuse. So:

1 Take time to think

Thus, you do not say no right away, but you set the person up to the fact that he may be rejected. During this time, he can pick up alternative options. It is especially important to take a break if the request caught you off guard and you need to weigh the pros and cons in a relaxed atmosphere. For example, knowing that you work in a hospital, a former classmate contacted you to make an appointment with a doctor without waiting in line. And you work as an accountant and have nothing to do with doctors, and you don’t want to be obliged to anyone, because a debt is a red one. In this case, it is advisable to answer what you think and answer tomorrow. The feeling of uncertainty will force the asking person to look for backup ways to resolve his issue.

2 Train on the little things

Learn to say no by starting with small requests. Start training in people you can easily refuse. For example, an acquaintance asks him to give him a lift, but you are not very comfortable right now (or you don’t want to – this is also a good reason). Start with him – deny him a request. Of course, you should not do this to your detriment: if you really want to help, then do it.

It is not difficult to start saying no to loved ones, because with them there is less risk of getting a “bonus” feeling of guilt for refusal. But if, nevertheless, the negative emotion could not be avoided, work through the refusal again, allow yourself to get used to defending your personal space and your interests.

3 Be persistent

You have learned to refuse, but the person does not hear you and gives his arguments why your no should turn into agreement. You tell him about your emotions, and he tells you in response how he feels and why he needs help. He cannot cope without you, you are his savior. Do not succumb to provocation, although it may not be such, and the person was simply surprised at your refusal, because until you learned to say “no” it was easy for him with you. If necessary, repeat several times and give reasons for your refusal.

4 Suggest alternatives

The feeling of guilt that arises after the word “no” is due to the fact that you are haunted by a feeling of betrayal. And in the role of a traitor – you. Learn to think correctly! You did not leave the person in a difficult situation if you offered him alternative options. A friend asks to sit with the child? Give her the contacts of a proven nanny. The neighbor wants you to lend him money until tomorrow? Share the pawnshop phone with him. This is a great technique to “smooth out” the possible negativity from your first rejections.

5 Don’t make excuses!

Free yourself and the person asking you from detailed explanations and stories about why you say “no” to him. He is interested in the result, not your excuses. A skilled manipulator will be able to find pain points and click on them in the hope that your “no” will not become so solid, and then even turn into a “yes”. If you refuse, do not forget about education and correct wording. When they ask you for money on a loan, do not say in the forehead “I will not give it because I do not believe that you will return it to me.” Or if you are invited to a concert, to say “I will not go because I am not interested in communicating with you” is rudeness. Be polite, but most importantly – learn to save the resources of your own body and do not waste energy on those who are used to achieving their goals by force or through moral pressure.

Here is a short summary of this important piece of information that we just went through:

Conclusion

When you master the skill of refusing to fulfill burdensome requests, you can transform yourself. You will have much more free time that you can spend on really important things. For example, read useful literature, communicate with loved ones and other people of interest to you, go in for sports, etc.

Just do not deny absolutely everyone and all requests. You’ve learned to say no in order to defend your interests and personal boundaries. Helping those who really need it is a matter of conscience. I ask you not to forget to help people when you can. Good always comes back!

Sources used and useful links on the topic: https://levelself.ru/privychki/poleznye/kak-nauchitsya-govorit-net-i-chuvstvovat-sebya-pri-etom-komfortno.html https://dnevnik-znaniy.ru /psixologiya/kak-nauchitsya-govorit-net.html https://damienmilay.com/basis/kak-nauchitsya-govorit-net-uchimsya-pravilno-otkazyvat-lyudyam/ https://vsvoemdome.ru/psihologiya/kak- nauchitsya-govorit-net https://aif.ru/health/psychologic/otkazyvayte_pravilno_kak_nauchitsya_govorit_net https://zen.yandex.ru/media/id/5aa6dc5a00b3dd8b9924520d/kak-otkazortyovat-k-ot-kazortyovat-kak-otkazortyovat-kak-otkazortyovat- net-5aa93b3500b3dd37e93e576f https://story-woman.ru/psihologia/kak-pravilno-otkazyvat/ https://ru.wikihow.com/%D0%BD%D0%B0%D1%83%D1%87%D0%B8%D1%82%D1%8C%D1%81%D1%8F-%D0% B3% D0% BE% D0% B2% D0% BE% D1% 80% D0% B8% D1% 82% D1% 8C-% D0% BD% D0% B5% D1% 82

Post source: lastici.ru