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Psychologist’s advice on how to live on after infidelity. How to live after your husband’s infidelity – advice


Signs of cheating on her husband

A few words should be said about specifically about the signs that speak of a “walking” husband. In fact, a woman immediately notices the “strangeness” in the behavior of a spouse. And the surest sign of her husband’s betrayal, as many believe, is her intuition. Although this is quite dubious statement What could be a really red flag?

  • A man’s sudden preoccupation with his appearance. He wants to be irresistible for a new woman, he wants to show her his dignity.
  • Smell. Either he will smell like “another woman”, or he will suddenly change the perfume for a completely different smell. Body odor (chemistry) can also change.
  • Inexplicable, frequent delays at work, after which the husband returns tired but satisfied. It’s easy to check: you need to call the office on the night when he will “finish writing the report”. His absence from the workplace will prove suspicion.
  • Rare sex. If a husband has a mistress, then why would he caress an already tired wife? Even if she put on new lingerie and put on a gorgeous make-up.
  • Mood swings: from harshness and irritability to unprecedented tenderness – then he justifies his act, looking for shortcomings in his wife, then he feels guilt and tries to make amends.
  • Lack of money. Money is needed for a mistress, everything is logical.
  • The emergence of new habits. It is normal when a person spends a considerable part of his life with the same woman, and then suddenly suddenly acquires a mistress.

And, of course, signs of treason cannot but include secrecy, constant attempts to hide the phone and log out of all profiles in social networks on the computer, as well as a sharp reaction to ambiguous questions or criticism.


According to most opinions, a relationship tainted by betrayal should be ended. A man who went “to the left” is a coward, a liar, a traitor and a hypocrite. These are the mildest expressions. It is enough to think: he consciously took such a step, knowing that this would cause unbearable pain to his loving wife, plunge her into despair and hopelessness, and destroy her world.

Such a man is not worthy of forgiveness. If the relationship between the spouses collapsed long ago, then it was possible to resolve the situation humanly – through a long constructive dialogue, civilized dissolution of relations and peaceful divergence in different directions. But acting behind your back, looking for delight on the side, is despicable.

It seems to many that it is difficult to decide on a divorce. Especially if the spouses have been married for a long time. But, as practice shows, this is not the case. After betrayal, a person becomes like a stranger. Not the one with whom so many pleasant moments and fond memories were experienced. It will not be easy to maintain the appearance of a happy marriage, to lead a common life, to live in the same house.

The atmosphere will be filled with a spirit of betrayal. Maybe over time the pain will dull, but the woman will always remember the terrible act of her husband, looking at him. This usually leads to deep, long-term depression.

Therefore, there is no need to be afraid to change something. You can always have time to start life from scratch. It will take less time and will not bring as much pain as the constant reminder of cheating that looms in front of your eyes.

A change of scenery

How to live after the betrayal of her husband, the advice of a psychologist is as follows. Having learned about the act of the spouse, you urgently need to leave the house. And not to make a scandal, although the desire is quite natural. But you need to preserve your dignity so that later, during a serious conversation, you can express your thoughts as coldly and bitingly as possible.

It is really important to go somewhere for a devoted woman, because if she stays in the apartment where she had to live with her beloved husband a few days ago, everything in her will remind of the wrong. You can stay in a hotel or even outside the city, closer to nature, the unity with which is relaxing.

In addition, being in peace and quiet, it will be possible to think over everything and build a further line of behavior.

Looking ahead, it should be noted that some work will have to be done in the apartment. How to survive the betrayal of your husband? The psychologist’s advice is this: get rid of everything that awakens vivid memories of him in the soul. And repairs will not hurt. To repaint the walls in a different color, buy new blankets and bedding, dishes for yourself – a slight transformation of the home will make it individual, not marital.


Psychologist’s advice on how to live after her husband’s infidelity. It is imperative to talk with a man. After the conversation, it will become clearer how to live after her husband’s betrayal. The conversation should be calm, quiet and peaceful, without hysterics. There is no need to explain to your husband that he is a scoundrel – this will be clear to him anyway, proceeding from the cold-blooded tone of his offended and devoted wife.

You need to find out from your spouse exactly why, from his point of view, he committed this act. What did he lack next to his wife? What was she doing wrong? What did you not give? Where was it objectionable? Why did he decide that the other would be better? From the answers received, the woman will be able to understand the man’s attitude towards her and make a decision regarding further relationships.

You need to show up at the meeting in full dress, of course. The image should not contain anything from that woman, trampled by betrayal and pain, which she was the other day. Fresh clean skin without swelling from tears, exquisite makeup, beautiful styling, a flattering outfit, high heels, attractive perfume – this is what should take place in a devoted woman’s toilet.

Why all this? Not so that “he understands whom he has lost.” For your own satisfaction and self-confidence. A girl, looking at herself in the mirror, should think – is he worthy, a traitor and a traitor, of such a queen as she is?

You also need to behave accordingly. Dignified, but not arrogant. It is necessary to explain to the spouse how much pain he has caused, but you cannot humiliate yourself or cry. Also, do not “pull” remorse and apology out of him. Let him act on his own: this way the woman will understand whether he himself feels guilty, whether he understands what he has done.

Is it worth forgiving?

You should not do rash acts and rush to break off relations with your loved one, it is also not recommended to let the situation take its course and turn a blind eye to what happened. You can only give a second chance to a man who has cheated in the following cases:

  • Sincere remorse. A man is tormented by his conscience, he regrets the perfect act. If he truly realizes that cheating is a despicable act and a mistake, he can be forgiven.
  • Honesty. It is necessary to look at a person’s reputation and past. If he keeps the words given to him and does not take them back when he wishes, and his promises can be trusted, then in the case of sincere repentance, you can build strong and lasting relationships with him.
  • One-time error. If a person stumbled once, while he repented and his words can be trusted, then he can be forgiven. Men who have betrayed more than once will continue to deceive, despite their beautiful promises.
  • Strong love. If a woman loves a man very much and does not want to part with him herself, then you need to analyze the situation according to the previous points and only after that decide whether to give him a second chance or not.
  • The man has changed. If a man does not want to work on himself and has changed because of the vices that live in him or because of weakness, then a similar situation will repeat in the future. In order to believe such a person, the wife must see real change.

You should not forgive betrayal of men who have betrayed more than 1 time; those who do not understand why their act is evil, and they do not repent of it. Unfaithful husbands who don’t love or respect don’t deserve a second chance. If the meaning of a man’s life is sex, then nothing good awaits his companion in a relationship. One should not continue relations with partners who accuse their wives of committing adultery, as in any situation they simply find the “guilty”.

Post-traumatic mental disorder

In psychology, the process of realizing treason is called post-traumatic mental disorder, which proceeds in 5 stages. The features of each of them are indicated in the list:

  1. 1 The woman is in a state of shock. It seems to her that everything that happened to her is an absurd and cruel fiction. Even with direct evidence of treason, she refuses to believe what happened.
  2. 2 At the second stage, the woman continues to deny the fact of treason and makes rash acts in order to return everything as it was before.
  3. 3 A woman understands that her partner has cheated on her, which leads to an increase in emotions and pronounced aggression. In order to throw out the accumulated negative, she makes loud scandals and blames her husband for all the negative moments.
  4. 4 Gradually, the woman falls into a depressive and sad state. She begins to remember about the happy past, about what can no longer be returned. Some begin to actively revise family photos and react painfully to criticism from friends or loved ones.
  5. 5 At this stage, the woman resigns herself to the situation that has happened. New thoughts appear in her head, she begins to think about whether to forgive the cheater. Only at this stage can one thoughtfully and rationally weigh all the pros and cons of the expediency of further relations.

The duration of post-traumatic mental disorder depends on the individual characteristics of the person. Experts recommend not to make any significant decisions until all 5 stages have passed. At this time, no girlfriends, relatives and friends will be able to help. If the disorder continues for a long period, it is necessary to consult a psychologist or psychotherapist. You should not spend the best years of your life and your youth on difficult experiences caused by the cheater.

For most women, the transition from shock to reconciliation takes about 3 months. It is better to spend the specified period of time away from your husband in order to avoid unnecessary quarrels and scandals. You should not decide on serious changes in life, guided by emotions and resentments.

How to maintain a relationship?

If a man is ready to abandon the relationship on the side, then the woman has the opportunity to save the marriage. It is important to calmly discuss the situation with your husband, find out the reasons for the betrayal and try to eliminate them. A woman must learn to trust her partner again and not study his mail or mobile phone at every opportunity.

Spouses should talk to each other as often as possible. It is necessary to speak out and share thoughts and options for solving the problem. Very often it is the lack of communication that destroys strong families and leads to infidelity. A woman should give up hysterics and scandals, although emotions at first will be difficult to control.

If a woman has been married to a man for many years, it is necessary to remember all the good things that happened over the years together. It is important to agree on the rules by which the relationship will be built. If a woman decides to keep the relationship, then she should not, at every opportunity, remind her husband of what happened, playing on his feelings of guilt. Betrayal must be left in the past and live on.

If you have grandchildren or children, the couple should try to spend as much time with them as possible in order to appreciate all the advantages of a strong and friendly family. Joint trips or picnics outside the city will help bring harmony to relationships. If a woman realizes that she cannot forgive her husband, then one should not continue the relationship and only spoil each other’s life.

Survival guide or how to live after infidelity3

The betrayal happened. The choice has been made. How to live after infidelity now? More precisely, how to survive?

  • Do not in any way attribute the negative qualities that your partner possessed to the entire opposite sex. If on your life path only mercantile bitches or selfish manipulators came across, then you are on the wrong path. Don’t let harmful attitudes snuggle up in your head. If feelings of mistrust and fear of a relationship don’t go away on their own, see a psychologist. Until you work through psychological issues, no amount of external stimulus like losing weight or promoting at work will help you build a new and happy relationship.
  • Close the gestalt. If you don’t understand why your partner did this, call him in for a frank conversation. If you think all day long about those curses and offensive things that you want to express to him, write him a letter. In it, write inside and out, what a terrible person he is and where you want him to go as soon as possible. Spill out on paper (this is important!) All your feelings and emotions, absolutely not embarrassed in expressions. And then burn this paper. But not together with the traitor’s apartment (this is important!). This psychological practice will allow you to release negative emotions so that you do not regret it later. Of course, you can send the letter directly to the addressee. But later, when the storm of feelings in your heart subsides, you may regret it a lot.

Psychologist's advice on how to live on after infidelity. How to live after your husband's infidelity - advice

  • Don’t intrude and leave your ex alone. It works both ways – if you change, allow your partner to digest the situation and be alone with his thoughts. He has every right to do so. You cannot force him to forgive yourself. Even if you receive the cherished “I forgive you”, do not expect that what is said will correspond to reality: forgiveness is not something that is done at the snap of your fingers. This is a long process that requires a person to consider the situation from different angles.

If you are a cheated party, then communication with an ex-man or ex-girlfriend is contraindicated for you. In your head now, in the words of the group “Spleen”, “and so a mess.” Find the strength for a one-on-one conversation, ask all the questions that interest you, and then limit communication.

  • Be careful when discussing conflict with your mutual friends and acquaintances. If you complain to an ex-boyfriend’s best friend about him and throw mud at him, rest assured that it will somehow reach a man’s ears. The same is true with ex-girlfriend’s best friends and friends. If you intend to rebuild the relationship, such verbal attacks can significantly reduce your chances of rekindling the union. And besides, you can lose friends too.

Psychologist's advice on how to live on after infidelity. How to live after your husband's infidelity - advice

  • Revenge will not help you fill your feelings of emptiness. Remember this. Neither we nor your friends can forbid you to plunge into the abyss of casual sexual relations. But we can warn you: even being in a more or less stable psychological state, not every person can cope with the feeling of emptiness that arises as a result of an endless series of alcoholic parties and one-day relationships. If you are moving by leaps and bounds towards depression and emotional exhaustion, this method of brightening up loneliness can seriously harm you.

Revenge is not satisfying. It does not heal wounds, erase past grievances, or piece together your fragile ego.

This should be remembered.

  • Listen to the opinions of people you really trust, but do not take their advice as a direct guide to action. If you need a sober look from the outside, turn to a friend who has watched all the stages of your relationship – from the first kiss and first sex to exposing cheating and smashing dishes. We forget the old grievances inflicted on us by a loved one, we justify him and try to cover his shortcomings with his own merits. But our faithful friends remember how they rushed to us in the middle of the night to pick up from the bar or to take the duvet cover from our hands, which had turned into a handkerchief. They remember every rude word and every cruel deed committed by our other half. Their minds are not clouded by subsequently presented bouquets of flowers, hot sexual reconciliations or delicious dinners. Sometimes, such a stern, critical look can help you get a healthy perspective on a situation. Agree that no beautiful words and romantic evenings can overshadow assault or serious lies.

Psychologist's advice on how to live on after infidelity. How to live after your husband's infidelity - advice

  • Learn to let go. It often happens that your partner has been going his own way for a long time, and you cannot build a new relationship because there is a glimmer of hope in your soul for the restoration of the romance. You perceive innocent congratulations on the holiday or jokes among friends as flirting – “he (she) definitely wants me back!”

It is not uncommon for a former partner to deliberately stir up interest in his person – he likes your adoration and puppy loyalty. The ex-man / ex-girlfriend is terribly flattered by the fact that you are still lonely and answer every message with lightning speed.

Return from heaven to earth.

The relationship is over.

Stop killing yourself in relationships that don’t exist. Stop fantasizing and holding on to the person who doesn’t need you. You need to completely distance yourself from your ex and let them go. You don’t have to block it on social media. It is enough to stop monitoring its activity. Don’t look at pictures of him or try to figure out what kind of relationship he or she is in with the person who left the comment. Throw away things that remind you of this person. Do not try to constantly translate the topic of conversation to your ex / ex, trying to find out what is happening in his / her personal life.

Psychologist's advice on how to live on after infidelity. How to live after your husband's infidelity - advice

You cannot let the person go as long as you hope to get them back. Accept that this person is no longer a part of your life. Do not scold yourself for thinking about him, but do not encourage your own fantasies.

  • Do not seek to immediately enter into a new relationship in order to prove something to someone. Take time out. Take care of yourself, your appearance and psychological health.
  • Stop doing anything to “rub your nose” with your ex. If you are successful at losing weight or at work just to show off in front of an ex-love, you most likely will not get satisfaction. You will not get the response from your partner that you hoped for. And here the most ingenious thing happens – we are offended that the other person does not correspond to our fantasies about how he should feel.

Pondering treason

Psychologist's advice on how to live on after infidelity. How to live after your husband's infidelity - advice

To avoid feeling guilty, you need to understand how to prevent infidelity and take the following actions:

  • do not scandalize, do not blame, talk openly with the faithful;
  • return romance, care to relationships;
  • show initiative, diversify intimate life;
  • to perceive a life partner as a person, to respect his interests;
  • listen to the chosen one, provide assistance in solving problems.

If all this does not help, the deceived wife realizes that she did her best. And then comes the next stage.

Aggression towards the cheater

Psychologist's advice on how to live on after infidelity. How to live after your husband's infidelity - advice

Female aggression, which at first was directed at herself, goes to the culprits: the unfaithful husband, the homeless woman, and other people involved in the novel. A woman ceases to control her emotions, rolls up scandals, thinks over a plan of revenge. The duration of the fourth stage is rather long and can take from one month to one or two years.

Feeling no future

Over time, aggression subsides and is replaced by a feeling of constant pressure, stress. It seems to a woman that her life is over and there will never be a happy relationship again. This phase is characterized by attempts to maintain a relationship or, conversely, avoidance of a spouse.

This period lasts a couple of months, and if the relationship was short-term, it is often absent.

Striving to bring back the past

At this stage, there is a desire to return everything to square one. The wife is ready to ask for the infidelity of her beloved, trying to prove that everyone also loves him. The flaming fire of passion is nothing more than an attempt to restrain the beloved. The duration of the stage fluctuates – it may not exist at all, last a couple of weeks, several months, and even several years.

Realizing that the old relationship will not be

Psychologist's advice on how to live on after infidelity. How to live after your husband's infidelity - advice

In the seventh phase, the wife realizes that after the betrayal, the relationship will never be the same again. Despite the burning passion, the woman still feels deceived. It is difficult for her to communicate with her beloved, there is no more trust. Suspicions of new betrayals appear, during quarrels, he recalls infidelity.

If, after the betrayal, the family broke up, then the fair sex begins to get used to the changes in her life. She forgets her ex, stops suffering, turns her attention to more important aspects of her life. The duration of this stage takes up to six months.


The exhaustion phase occurs regardless of whether the family is preserved or not. In the first case, there are quarrels, stress, endless nagging, coldness arises in a couple. Spouses become indifferent to each other. The stage lasts from 1 to 2 months, sometimes it can last longer, causing clinical depression.

To forgive or not to forgive

Forgiving cheating is not an easy step. Acceptance and understanding of an act will help to heal from trauma, understand yourself, and restore self-esteem. It’s important not to confuse forgiveness with a desperate desire to keep a dying relationship alive.

The best option is to leave, but without anger, resentment against the former (former).

These feelings poison life, interfere with the formation of new relationships, constantly remind of the fact of betrayal, because he needs to get rid of them.

Tips to help you forgive and cope with cheating:

  • Accept betrayal as a fait accompli. To sincerely forgive your partner, you need to stop looking for excuses for him and hope that the relationship will incredibly return back on track. Instead, the person should come to terms with the act and see if he is ready for forgiveness.
  • Don’t hide your feelings. A frank conversation with the offender will help not only to understand the reasons for what happened, but also to alleviate the pain, to get emotional release. Having listened to the traitor’s version of events, a person will more easily understand the motives of his actions.
  • Abandon the victim role. Cheating is a serious offense that cannot be justified, but two are responsible for any breakdown in a relationship. To forgive a partner, a person needs to analyze his own actions, admit his part of the guilt (but without self-flagellation and removing responsibility from the traitor).
  • Move away. Distance from the traitor, stop thinking about him, emotionally invest in other people – children, parents, friends, a new passion. Then the pain of betrayal will subside, attachment to the “criminal” will disappear, and it will become easier to forgive him.

Forgiveness should not be forced – it must come from the soul. If a person does not want or cannot stop blaming his partner for this act, this is also worth accepting.

Break up or fight for a relationship

Maintaining a relationship after cheating is a risky step. Even if the partners manage to reconcile and forgive each other, regaining the trust necessary for a functional union is a daunting task. A person left with a traitor risks peace of mind and health – it will be difficult for him not to suspect his spouse in a new affair.

The following circumstances play an important role in maintaining relations:

  • The original intentions of the traitor. Casual sex under the influence of alcohol and prolonged, deliberate deception involving a double life with a lover or mistress must be perceived differently. In the first case, the culprit often regrets, regrets what happened, wants to turn back time. In the second, the traitor makes it clear that he is using his partner.
  • The previous setting in the relationship. Cheating does not occur out of nowhere – it is the result of quarrels, separations, sexual and emotional dissatisfaction, a lack of emotions in a relationship. Understanding the motives of betrayal, their objective assessment will help to find out whether the offense was a one-time mistake or a planned betrayal.
  • Emotions of a partner. You need to understand whether the traitor wants to save the family (repents of infidelity, wants to atone for guilt), whether the husband is trying to help his wife survive the betrayal (or vice versa). If the culprit treats the fact of betrayal lightly and does not make efforts to earn forgiveness, you should not fight for a relationship.
  • Family Children. Sometimes a husband and wife go on to have an unhappy marriage to raise a child in a healthy environment, to relieve him of the stress of divorce. Whether to do so is a moot point. A conflict, dysfunctional family, parents dissatisfied with marriage are sometimes worse for the child’s psyche than growing up with a father or a single mother.

When making a decision, you need to calm down. This takes time – before sorting out the relationship and making the final verdict, you should come to your senses, take an objective look at the situation. It is advisable for the victim to temporarily throw away negative (resentment, anger, embarrassment) and positive (attachment, past happy memories) feelings, and then impartially evaluate the partner’s actions.

Psychologist's advice on how to live on after infidelity. How to live after your husband's infidelity - advice

It is not recommended to seek advice from friends, relatives, mother. They can comfort, calm, give support, support, but their perception of the situation is distorted by sympathy for the victim. If a person needs a consultation, it is worth making an appointment with a family psychologist.

Cheating is an extreme manifestation of disrespect, after which the relationship cannot remain the same.

The act can be understood, forgiven, justified, but maintaining the union is a desperate step that can harm the well-being and psychological health of the couple. The consequences of continuing a relationship with the wrong person:

  • developing the habit of controlling a partner and monitoring him, bothering him at the slightest pretext;
  • constant stress due to the likelihood of a new betrayal;
  • decreased self-esteem, loss of self-respect;
  • strengthening of emotional, psychological dependence on the traitor;
  • loss of the ability to form healthy connections;
  • developing beliefs that cheating is normal, getting used to cruel, disrespectful behavior;
  • constant temptations to take out the insult, take revenge (including change in response);
  • living next to a person who is constantly reminded of the trauma he has suffered.

Because of this, psychologists do not recommend restoring the union after infidelity. Even if the victim retains love and affection for the traitor, the fact of his act indicates a lack of mutual feelings.

According to statistics, the reason for 90-95% of cheating is not sexual attraction, but the inability to satisfy emotional needs with a current partner. Unfaithful people are looking for passion, thrill, tenderness, romance, trying to increase self-esteem. Some people feel psychological pleasure in the very fact of being able to change and hide it.

What not to do

When faced with cheating, it is important to act wisely, while maintaining the dignity and rationality of thinking. By avoiding common mistakes, you can sort out your relationships and experience betrayal without unnecessary stress.

To panic

The first reaction upon detection of treason is fear, shock, panic. The realization that relationships have changed forever leads to restless thoughts and irrational decisions. Attempts by the mind to cope with the situation and solve all the problems that have arisen at once lead to confusion and stress.

Therefore, you need to drive away unnecessary thoughts with an effort of will and concentrate on the current situation, having calmly talked with your partner.

Trying to find a reason

Cheating is an act to which many factors lead, over which the victim has no influence.

Stereotypical excuses for betrayal, such as lack of warmth, monotony in sex, separation, may not be the cause.

Sometimes it is done due to pathological cravings for thrills, impulsive outbursts of passion, natural extinction of old feelings. Tormenting yourself with looking for reasons is unproductive and leads to unnecessary stress.

Compare yourself to the culprit (s)

A common misconception about cheating is that a partner sees a lover or mistress as the ideal person. This is not so – a traitor can choose anyone for an affair, regardless of personal qualities, appearance, intelligence, wealth, status. Comparing oneself with a competitor, looking for weaknesses, attempts to quickly change oneself will not sacrifice anything but emotional pain.

Cheating is a great shock for any person. It is difficult to survive and forgive her. A deep analysis of the situation, psychological support of family and friends, a shift in attention to hobbies, work, and relationships with other people will help to cope with trauma.

Who is the initiator of the scandals?

In order to find out how to improve relations after the husband’s betrayal, you need to determine the provocateur of the conflict. It is not difficult to do this, it is enough to “skip” a little back and look from the outside at the beginning of the quarrel. Whose was the first careless phrase that was followed by a morally tense situation? You have already understood this in your mind.

If the initiator is the spouse, then it is worth establishing an invisible barrier between what he said and you. How to do it? Try to switch consciousness or think about something more important or just different, these may be thoughts about:

  • Upcoming workout in the gym;
  • Shopping trip to buy a beautiful trinket;
  • Parents’ meeting at school for a child;
  • A closer look at the show;
  • Cooking food;
  • Collecting puzzles, constructor, drawing, writing poetry (with children);
  • Talking on the phone with a friend or better mom, dad.

Any form of distraction will help you avoid stress, which can lead to some psychological and physiological ailments, so don’t neglect it. After the man has stopped turning on the aggressor, you, in turn, turn on your acting abilities and be a little caring, loving, benevolent girl. This will certainly disarm him and even, perhaps, enter into a stupor.

If you understand that you yourself provoke your spouse into scandals, then it would be more expedient to try to calm down. Yes, it’s difficult, because the pain doesn’t go anywhere. There is a high probability of falling into a depression or apathy, but we have a ready-made material on this topic (see How to cope with depression after cheating on your husband?). In this case, you need to understand how much you want to save the marriage, have you forgiven it, do you love and are ready to continue your mutual life with a traitor, can you trust again?

Check out the supporting publications:

  1. How to forgive a husband’s betrayal?
  2. How to survive the betrayal of your husband?
  3. How to love your husband again after his betrayal?

Having analyzed your feelings, true intentions and needs, you can start looking for stimuli that cause a resonance in the relationship in order to restore them.

What’s in the way?

Since it is possible to improve relations after a husband’s infidelity by eliminating psycho-irritants, in this aspect we will analyze what they can be.

If a man repents of his deed, admits his mistake and periodically reproaches himself, then this is influenced by external factors that remind him of the act. Examples include the following:

  • Returning home, I passed the hotel where meetings with my mistress took place;
  • During lunch, went to the supermarket where she works or worked before;
  • A poster with a promoted movie they went to together;
  • A present that has not yet been thrown away, presented by her (mug, tie, pen, notebook, phone case, umbrella, etc.);
  • The park in which the acquaintance with the homeless woman took place;
  • Asking questions from friends, colleagues and other people who know about her;
  • The mistress is a work colleague …

These and many other examples have a devastating effect on the traitor’s psyche, so you need to find and get rid of irritants. The fact is that the created conflict will allow the man to feel the punishment for what he has done, because it excites the mind and provokes negative signals to the brain, which, in turn, empty the mind for a while, as a result of which the man forgets about the crime. Conclusion: a quarrel leads to reassurance.

If you are influenced by provocative objects or actions of your spouse, then you need to do the same. Just in the above, change the featured face to yourself. But! Sometimes the man himself can irritate with his presence, here it is more expedient to consider whether it was worth restoring the connection, because getting rid of a spouse, as a psychological stimulant, means breaking up with him forever. There remains a choice between calmness and betrayal – that is, a paradox.

If the paradox becomes an obstacle in the interaction of you with your beloved, you need to provoke the release of a large volume of happiness hormones in order to fall into a temporary euphoria (you felt it during the bouquet-candy period at the stage of falling in love), this phenomenon activates the brain to release negative information into the subconscious, then the spouse will cease to be a serious irritant. How to do it? Dating, romance, help with household chores, spending time together in places charged with positive energy (restaurants, clubs, theaters, parks …) It is necessary to honestly admit to the chosen one that he reminds of acts of infidelity with his persona and ask him to pay more to you attention, avoiding negativity in interaction.

Moral treasoni

With moral betrayal, one of the partners experiences love and romantic feelings. But not to your soulmate, but to another person. Usually, moral betrayal can be recognized by the changed behavior of a spouse. As a rule, a person will be late “at work”, being at home – hovering in the clouds and answering the most common questions irritably. He will always try to escape from his partner under any pretext.

If a person devotes a lot of time to the object of love, constantly communicates with him and gives gifts, then moral betrayal will soon develop into physical.

Is a relationship possible after infidelity?

Each person has his own opinion on this matter. As a rule, most people cannot come to terms with this fact and sooner or later part. Each couple has completely different attitudes and feelings. Someone, on the contrary, finds the strength to forgive and continue to build relationships taking into account mistakes. There are cases when the relationship after the betrayal became better, as the couple learned a lesson from what happened. But at the same time, of course, both spouses must have a desire, otherwise reconciliation will only delay the final separation.

Of course, after it became known about the betrayal, you need to clearly decide whether it is worth keeping the marriage. If it is decided to save the family, then the most important and most important rule is never to reproach for treason and not to remember it. After all, if you constantly discuss and blame a person for this, sooner or later it will end in parting.

The point of view of psychologists

From the point of view of psychology, relationships after infidelity are possible, but it is very difficult to cope with such a situation. At such moments, there is no peace of mind, a person is filled with pain and emptiness. As a result, he begins to commit harsh and rash acts in order to quickly determine his further life path. This is due to the fact that you want to get rid of the pain that eats from the inside as soon as possible.

Psychologist's advice on how to live on after infidelity. How to live after your husband's infidelity - advice

Family psychologists in this matter, on the contrary, advise not to make hasty conclusions and sudden movements. Peace of mind must be achieved before making serious decisions that will fundamentally change the life of a family. It won’t be easy and fast. Psychologists themselves come to the rescue in such cases, conversations with whom will help not to go crazy. You also need to fill your soul with impressions and new emotions. You can go in for sports, travel, take care of yourself and your desires.

There may be several ways out of this situation, not necessarily all relationships end in parting. After a person has found peace of mind, he can sensibly assess what happened from the outside. After all, there can be several reasons for treason.

No more love

This is the first and most common reason for cheating. Perhaps the partner stopped feeling the feeling of love and simply did not find the strength to say about it. Indeed, in a long-term relationship, a habit plays an important role, which causes fear to change the usual way of life. If the betrayal was committed for this reason, one must find the courage to break off such a relationship, because in the absence of feelings there is nothing to save. You shouldn’t blame your partner for not loving anymore, here it is his fault that he chose an unsuccessful way to communicate about it.

Advice to wife

Don’t delay and challenge your spouse to have a frank conversation. You are close enough to discuss everything in a civilized manner.

Having learned about her husband’s betrayal, the lady needs to pull herself together. A woman often assesses the situation, looking at it from different angles, constantly replaying an unpleasant situation in her head and hurting herself.

For a man, this process occurs a little differently. For him, cheating is a bit of fun. Loving a woman is serious, and going to the left is just a way to get new sensations.

Don’t torture yourself. Talk to your husband immediately as soon as you find out about the betrayal. This will speed up the process of making a decision about your future destiny.

If third parties told you about the betrayal, do not be nervous, first talk to your spouse. Do not trust your friends and acquaintances too much, as some may try to arrange a discord in the family, envious of you.

But if, nevertheless, such an event really happened, do not start to panic immediately. Better to think about how to forgive your husband, and whether it is worth doing.

Advice to husband

Often, male infidelity occurs by accident, for example, in alcoholic intoxication. You should not immediately admit to your spouse of infidelity, because after that you can only expect a major scandal. The wife may not understand that it was an accident.

Try to immediately correct your mistake, smooth out the guilt, if you do not want to ruin the relationship. Think about what caused your wrong act, and who is to blame.

If you are sure that this is a casual relationship, go out with your wife. She will be able to stop you at the right time.

40% of wives do not forgive cheating

Sometimes a woman does not understand how to forgive her husband’s betrayal. Do not complicate the situation, because the beloved corny may not give you a chance.

Did the husband deserve forgiveness

In no case do not immediately begin to console the unfaithful spouse, emphasizing that he did it by accident. Forgiveness must be deserved. Reasonable women attach great importance to this factor, forcing a loved one to repent.

If the husband realizes that he got away with cheating very much, then there will be a chance that he will decide to repeat it again. Adultery can be repeated until it comes to divorce.

There is no need to quarrel loudly and break dishes. Just let your husband know that he hurt you by doing so. Sometimes it is required that the spouse sincerely repent of their deeds.

Forgiveness is only appropriate if you are serious about starting over and not stirring up the past. If you are not sure that you will not remind your husband of the wrongdoing, then it is better to end the relationship and file for divorce.

How to deal with the consequences of cheating2

In order to cope with the consequences of a harmful decision for the relationship, you need to prepare for a long and painstaking work. To honestly answer the question of why exactly these relationships need to be maintained, why not continue the affair and start new ones. Any reason other than a painfully acute inner desire will not allow you to walk the path of forgiveness.

Psychologist's advice on how to live on after infidelity. How to live after your husband's infidelity - advice

  • Talk honestly

After the first emotions have slept, it is necessary to calmly and emotionally discuss the situation. Honestly admit the reasons for treason, be as sincere as possible.

In addition to discussing the fact of betrayal, it is necessary to find out about the feelings of the injured party and jointly decide whether both are ready to work to save the family. If the injured party is not ready to forgive and try to fix everything, then nothing will come of it, no matter how hard you work.

  • Try to forgive

Forgiveness will not come right away, but if a decision was made to try to restore relations after the betrayal, you need to force yourself to sincerely try to forgive the other person. Through all the pain and resentment. Such pain does not go away in one day, you need patience and a conscious decision to again believe the person who betrayed so meanly, but without this it will not be possible to improve relations. For more information on how to forgive cheating, follow the link.

  • Go to a psychologist

The main criterion for the successful salvation of relations will be the restoration of complete openness, reaching a new level of trust. The specialist will help to bring to the surface feelings that are not mentioned and will open our eyes to things that remain only in our heads.

Psychologist's advice on how to live on after infidelity. How to live after your husband's infidelity - advice

  • Don’t connect relatives and friends

It is almost impossible to cope with such pain alone and the desire to find support in friends is understandable. The problem is that friends in this situation act on the basis of their own picture of the world and theoretical experience – they cannot be objective. In addition, if the relationship can still be saved, friends may not understand and will definitely never forget.

In any case, on the scale of the universe, sex on the side itself does not pose a mortal threat to the relationship. The main reason for parting is betrayal. Trusting another person is already difficult, and if there is a reason to doubt, the intimacy becomes almost unbearable. Before thinking about how to restore relations after infidelity, you should honestly answer yourself the question: “Do I love this person so much to go through hell again?”


  • Your desire to look “cool” in front of the kids can help the guilty party feel better for a while. But, most likely, it will disrupt your efforts to rebuild your relationship with your partner, think about it. You present yourself (the culprit in the problems) as a hero, while your partner (the affected part) prepares to make a difficult decision and say no to the children. You send a kiss to the children to feel a little better yourself, and you make your partner, who is already suffering from your rash act, the bad guy for this. If you think your partner will not notice this, then you are very wrong, and this will only lead to more resistance and anger – more problems for which you will have to apologize and heal wounds. After all, you were the one who created the worst of problems. You may have made a decision not to be wrong. Do not undermine your efforts to restore your marriage with pathetic attempts to win the favor of your children.

Give each other time

If someone has a misfortune that leads to a fracture, it will take a long time for the fracture to heal. But even then he will remind of himself, whine in bad weather, demand special care and attention. Unfortunately, for many, infidelity is much more painful than a fracture.

A broken heart, even if you try to “glue” it, can take years to heal. Therefore, do not be surprised that the situation does not let you go in a month, six months or even a year.

According to psychologists, if couples managed to survive the betrayal, sometimes it takes up to three years for the situation to be completely released. Of course, a lot depends on the circumstances; much depends on the depth of feelings, on the sincerity of subsequent relationships.

However, if you are determined to restore your relationship, if you are ready to survive this difficult moment, to grant and deserve forgiveness, you will need patience. You have to go through stages of anger, discouragement, mistrust, vulnerability, and maybe a sense of shame. It is necessary to drink this bitter cup in full.

Don’t try to speed up this process – it’s almost impossible. Take one small step each day towards each other. See a psychologist when obstacles arise. Continue to move slowly in your chosen direction until the long-awaited healing finally arrives!

Be as transparent as possible

Yes, be transparent, literally like glass! After the betrayal has occurred, but attempts are made to restore relations, transparency is required from both partners, and not only from the perpetrator of the betrayal, although this is primarily expected from the guilty party. Full transparency is a prerequisite for restoring lost trust.

Don’t give your partner a chance to think that you are hiding something from him again. Do not hide anything, do not keep secrets, because secrecy and secrets in your situation can be detrimental to the process of restoring a relationship.

For example, if the phone rings, it would be unforgivable stupidity not to tell your partner who exactly called you and for what reason. On the way to building a new relationship with an old partner, you need to forget about small personal secrets. The period during which you will regain lost trust is simply inevitable in your relationship.

Cut off old ties

If you are the same person who, having committed adultery, betrayed the trust of your partner, you need to cut off all ties with the person with whom you changed. This means that you need to exclude all phone calls, all messages, all e-mails, not to mention any personal dates.

Once you and your partner decide to go through this situation together, there should be no “last or goodbye” meetings with the one with whom you cheated. No contacts at all! If you decide to leave this stage of your life behind, then this is where it belongs. Your partner who is trying to forgive you deserves it.

Perhaps you had reasons for doing what you did. However, you now have even more reasons to rebuild your broken relationship. And if you try to do this while maintaining contact with “that person,” then you will fail.

Even if you have a business relationship with such a person, cut them off as well. Otherwise, your partner simply does not have enough inner strength to restore their trust in you. Few are ready to accept the fact that their partner maintains at least some kind of connection with the person who almost ruined their life together.

Stop discussing what happened

The betrayal has taken place. Both partners decided to live on together, fighting hard for the lost trust, jointly building new relationships on the ruins of past relationships. Relationships in the name of a future life – happy, full of trust. In other words, you both decided to move forward together.

This means that once you have clarified and defined your motives, you need to stop talking about what happened. It is necessary to stop discussing treason, return to it periodically in your conversations, adding salt to an unhealed wound.

There is no better analogy like this: Imagine that you are badly hurt. You got stitches and a bandage. But instead of giving the wound time to heal, you periodically tear off this very bandage in order to … look at your wound. This is similar to the behavior of a masochist, isn’t it?

If you sincerely want to re-create a lasting relationship with the same partner, put the past in the past. Live in the here and now. Learn from what happened, draw the necessary conclusions and judgments, and then move forward. Otherwise, the healing period can take much longer (if it comes at all, it is healing).

Sources used and useful links on the topic: mugha.html -posle-izmeny / -li-otnosheniya-posle-izmeny / % 81% D1% 81% D1% 82% D0% B0% D0% BD% D0% BE% D0% B2% D0% B8% D1% 82% D1% 8C-% D0% B1% D1% 80% D0% B0% D0% BA-% D0% BF% D0% BE% D1% 81% D0% BB% D0% B5-% D0% B8% D0% B7% D0% BC% D0% B5% D0% BD% D1% 8B

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