Communication with people is already such a well-worn topic, it seems that one can already say about it. Indeed, since the 1920s and 1930s, many works, books and studies on the psychology of communication have been written. But this topic is inexhaustible and still not fully understood. Society is changing, values are changing, communication is changing. We will talk about its benefits and self-interest for our loved ones.

Jane Austen once said a wonderful phrase: “The most boring and hackneyed topic can acquire significance with the proper skill of the interlocutor.” So why communicate?

Man cannot live alone. Even people with mental disabilities, such as bipolar disorder or paranoia, cannot spend long periods of time without exchanging information with themselves or others.

Sociability is not yet a guarantee of success in life, but an important part of it. Why in modern society, preference is given to sociable people? They know how to communicate, find an approach, solve various problems. There is another side of the coin – when a person cannot be stopped for any price, if he got to the microphone or got into the spotlight. And this is not the ability to communicate, but loquacity.

The ability to communicate gives you new opportunities, you get in return:

new and useful acquaintances;
fame – provided that you get into the lens;
new knowledge;
experience;
new ideas – in communicating with different people, you accept their demeanors and then come up with something of your own;
respect;
development – at least you learn to express your thoughts;
learn to form your assessment and worldview, you see the merits and demerits of people and take something from them, but deny something.

Learning to communicate is important and necessary in order to somehow connect to a person. In order not to catch up on melancholy, but to radiate positive and energy. After all, it is these interlocutors that are in demand. Well, more on that later.

Psychology of communication with people: rules

To be a good conversationalist, you need to know how to talk to people correctly. How to become a sociable and interesting person, read the link, and below, listen to the rules of communication that help build communication.

Show sincerity and interest in the other person. Nothing disposes a person more than your genuine interest in his life (provided that the person admits you to this information).
Smile often. A smile is the flag of the ship and communication, and relationships and happiness in life. Psychological research confirms this: in order for people to reach out to you, you need to smile, since smiling people seem more attractive. Radiate positive, laugh, joke. By the way, you can learn how to joke beautifully and witty here.
Call by name. Remember that a name for a person is constant sound waves that affect him throughout his life, he gets used to them, and they become the most pleasing to his hearing. Calling the name of the interlocutor in communication, you emphasize his individuality and the brightness of his personality.
Learn to listen. To connect and be heard, first learn to listen to the other person. Attention to his speech is a powerful tool of control and influence. Clarify, ask questions, show emotions, then you will be perceived as a good interlocutor.
Talk about his topics. Each person has their own “anchor” – the top topic of conversation. So, if you “grope” for her, then consider yourself a handsome man! Talk about the interests of the interlocutor, you see, learn something new.
Show the other person that you are important to them. This should be done sincerely or not at all. Sincerity is essential for good communication. Praise the other person honestly and moderately emphasize their good sides, otherwise it will smell like flattery.

1 Everyone’s forgotten skill of communicating with people

The first most important thing is the skill of communicating with people, which is devoted to oblivion in our civilization. Being in the here and now is what is constantly overlooked. It is very important, extremely important, when a person, for example, drives a car. Because if he flew away with his thoughts – boom! Accident. And it’s good if the accident is light: scratched or something else. And if something serious?

It often happened that I was not present at the lectures at the institute: I woke up already during the break. It was very difficult to listen to lectures and, in the end, I finally became convinced that sleeping on a pillow is much more comfortable than on hard desks.

Surely you also have examples when someone was not present during the conversation.

At school, this often happens, for example, Sidorov sits and thinks about girls. And then the teacher picks him up: “Tell me Sidorov what I just said?” And … And Sidorov cannot repeat, he was mentally at that time on the beach with the girls.

There is also a situation when a person says something, and another person is in the clouds somewhere. This can often be observed when a couple is walking: a husband and wife, and a woman tells how her day went, that you can buy such and such a locker, and so on. And he told her: uh huh, uh huh, uh huh …

And if you ask him, “What, dear, did I just tell you?” When such a situation occurs, then the person is not here. And, accordingly, there can be no communication. Such is the bummer.

2 View and rules of communication with people

The second thing in the rules for communicating with people is your look, the perception of the interlocutor through the eyes. Just look at each other, note the mood of the potential interlocutor, something else he has. Because this is not enough, just to be here, the eyes, they are also intended for something.

One of my friends, at one time he could not communicate by looking into the eyes. He constantly walked away from it and grumbled, looking at his phone. What he was doing there in this phone – I don’t know, maybe he was playing tic-tac-toe or sea battle – I didn’t peep.

It was kind of weird. And it was just hard for him to communicate, so he ran into the phone. And when he did get out of his gadget, it turned out that he was a cool guy, he was looking at you, and communication went much easier.

When, for example, there is some kind of quarrel, then you can see a husband and wife looking in different directions. They don’t look at each other, they don’t want to – it’s hard to communicate. A person who infuriates – it doesn’t hurt to look at him.

Not just being here, but also perceiving the interlocutor is important. It is not for nothing that there are video calls in which you can not only hear a person, but also see.

Emotions, things that cannot be expressed in words – they are read by a person and people, it is very, very important to see each other. And this, too, does not just happen sometimes. When a person is angry, or you are ashamed of him, or he is so formidable, the boss is so serious … By the way, a person in anger perceives a glance as aggression – here you need to be careful.

Or when such a beauty, which a person is not even worthy of at all, he has no right to even look at her. And if he will not look at her, then how to propose to her? So he will turn away from her and say: “Let’s go to the registry office.” What it is?

This is the second very important rule.

Advice

Do not impose and do not impose your opinion. Forced imposition only evokes negative emotions. You will be treated with caution with such behavior. Who would want to question their own worldview after your “correct” opinion ?!
Accept different people. Everyone doesn’t have to be like you and think like you. Yes, sometimes it happens! Learn to respect other people’s opinions.
Learn and experience the world. The best way to develop yourself to support any topic of conversation is by reading books. When you are known as well-read, erudite and versatile, then many will want to talk to you in order to learn something new, just to chat. This is where your finest hour will come, but do not star too much, but learn to benefit from everything.
Develop in your own interests. These are hobbies, places to visit, travel and so on. This will help you feel at your best in any communication, since you will be able to share your experience, express opinions and assessments (which characterizes you as a mature personality with critical thinking).
Don’t try to please everyone. You can’t be cute. it is impossible to be nice and nice to the whole world. You are not a fluffy polar bear that is affectionate. Even the Dalai Lama is the most famous diplomat and spiritual mentor of Buddhists, and that causes disgust and contempt among some.
Accept yourself. Or love. Acceptance of oneself, respect for one’s merits and the desire to overcome one’s shortcomings is a winning ticket in any lottery of life … There is nothing more to say.
Watch yourself. If you have ambitions for the role of a leader in a team, I give a link to an excellent article by Pavel Butor with effective advice that works anytime, anywhere.

With all this, it is important to get rid of anger and envy – these qualities will ruin even the good motives of your communication. And people feel it well.

Solving puzzles

In this chapter, I will introduce you to a man whose experience, knowledge and work allow us to consider him an expert on the most difficult and remote nooks and crannies of human nature. He teaches you how to question truly stubborn and unfriendly people.

If you’ve ever tried to get answers from someone who doesn’t want to be honest, you will understand how these questions play a role in the conversation:

What are your motives?
What’s on your mind?
Are you dangerous?

Barry Spodak is a threat assessor. He studies people who hide the darkest and most dangerous secrets. He has developed protocols and practices for communicating with would-be hitmen, terrorists, school shooters, and disgruntled employees.

Barry teaches respectful questioning, which most experts say is the most effective way to convince a hostile person to meet you halfway and give out certain information. They help to weaken a person’s protective barriers and reduce anxiety. Barry’s questions are aimed at initiating a dialogue, albeit not entirely smooth, but allowing to establish some trust and thereby obtain information even from taciturn interlocutors.

If you remove from this scenario the extreme conditions and characters of Barry’s interlocutors, then the technique can be applied when communicating with family, friends and colleagues. Someone is hiding something. Someone is plotting something. Someone is not telling you what you should know. If you use the bridging questions correctly, you can get these people talking: they will open up and you will get an idea of what is on their minds. The first step is to reduce stress.

Barry is an adherent of the psychological theory put forward by the Nobel laureate Daniel Kahneman, according to which there are two modes of thinking.

The first Kahneman called System 1 – this is a kind of lower transmission of our brain; it extends to any action and allows us to easily make decisions and find ready-made answers. It can be thought of as the autopilot of our brain. If someone asks you what is two plus two, you automatically, without any mental effort, say four.

In System 1, in what Kahneman calls “cognitive ease,” we feel relaxed, calm, and in control. The questioner can connect the interlocutor to System 1 by asking about the weather or a piece of clothing, or even simply offering a cup of coffee. This welcoming and familiar gesture is calming.
System 2 is a kind of “turbo mode” that makes the brain function faster and consume more oxygen. It turns on in response to something unfamiliar, difficult, or frightening. A difficult math problem or controversial situation plunges you into this state. You stop and try to find the answer.

The brain in System 2 is always on the alert. This is how it works in unfamiliar or unfriendly environments. We begin to ponder every word. How much is 435 divided by 9? Did you take my bottle of gin?

Chances are, this is the state your teen is in if he thinks you blame or condemn him. You are in the same state when your boss speaks badly of you at an appraisal. And this is how almost any suspect reacts to interrogation.

Barry teaches agents how to make the brains of those with whom they work dominate the action of System 1. He advises his students to start with questions that keep the interlocutor in their comfort zone, even if they are irrelevant. Ask about something ordinary or about events in the life of a person known to you that will not arouse any suspicion in him.

Let’s say an agent comes to a certain Joseph, whose name surfaced during the investigation. So far, Joseph is considered a source, not a suspect. Entering the living room, the agent notices a painting on the wall.

– I like this picture. Who wrote it?

Unless the subject of an agent’s investigation is art theft, such a question – sounding like a confession, even a compliment – can help break the ice. The theme of art allows Joseph to talk about something familiar. As Barry explains, the agent must listen carefully and, if Joseph answers calmly and openly, ask some more questions about the painting so that in a few minutes of light conversation, he can put him in a state of “cognitive ease.”

Even those of us outside the intelligence service use this method of conversation – knowingly or not. We are looking for ways to break the ice in the first minutes of our acquaintance, trying to strike up a conversation, starting with an easy topic.

Imagine that you are the manager of an insurance company. Anna, one of your employees, comes to your office for an annual assessment of her work. A couple of coworkers complained that she allowed herself to speak disparagingly of people behind their backs. You want Anna to stop acting like that, but you first need to understand what is on her mind. She’s on the lookout. You remember seeing a new computer on her desk. You’re asking:

– And how is your new computer?

“He’s very fast,” she replies. – Never freezes. It was high time for me to change it. “

Not that much, but you still got Anna into a conversation.

“Great,” you say. – Is the touchscreen comfortable?

You can see how Anna’s shoulders relax slightly. She’s not too happy to be here, but at least you’ve found out that she loves her new computer.

You are short on time, so you need to turn the conversation to the problem. But Barry advises not to rush too much. You shouldn’t immediately translate her brain into System 2 with direct questions. Discuss the computer a little more.

– How did you come to the conclusion that you need this particular computer?

A question starting with “how” requires a different type of answer – one containing some rationale and history. Barry explains to his FBI and other intelligence students that the human brain loves stories. With their help, we learn and remember. They spark interest and allow us to share experiences.

Imagine Barry as the boss. He builds on her answer and asks:

– Is it a popular brand? Do you think many people choose her?

He draws attention to potential “entry points”: from them, you can transfer the conversation with Anna to the story that he wants to hear.

Let’s say she says that a lot of people actually choose this model. She studied the information about her for a long time so as not to be mistaken with the choice. This is how she does everything, carefully and purposefully. It is here in her history that the entry point appears.

“I use my computer differently. She says. – With its help, I can work more efficiently. Better than Al from the credit department, who has a different model. “

Anna draws a line between herself and those around her, Barry explains. By comparing herself to Al in the credit department, Anna provides a clue that a skilled interviewer must grasp. Something distinguishes her from others. This gives the listener an entry point. Barry would definitely ask:

– Truth? What about this Al?

Anna should start telling how her colleague recently behaved in a certain situation, and what other people think about this, and what ultimately happened. Her story will give you even more entry points, more opportunities for questions.

For the method to work, you need to listen intently to help you formulate further questions so that the story can be detailed.

You play a kind of chess game by listening to the answers, formulating the questions and thinking about the next moves. Therefore, your questions should be strategic. You know where you want to lead the conversation, but you need your opponent’s moves to lead it in that direction as well.

Rules for successful communication

Famed speaker Dale Carnegie published How to Win Friends and Influence People more than 80 years ago. In it, he described the main most effective communication techniques and rules that will help withdrawn and shy people become excellent conversationalists. These rules do not lose their relevance to this day.

A sincere expression of interest in other people. Often it is more pleasant for us to talk with those who are interested in our personality, ask various questions regarding our opinion and experience. Therefore, be sure to ask your interlocutor questions. But don’t turn the conversation into an addiction questioning. Everything should be natural and sincere, and for this you should have a genuine interest in your interlocutor.
Smile. A person who smiles evokes positive feelings in us. Even if we don’t know him personally. During a conversation, your smile is proof that the other person is pleasant to you and you enjoy talking to him. Just try to avoid a fake smile. Smile not only with your mouth, but also with your eyes, and your soul, and your heart.
Proper name. From birth, the sound of our name is the most pleasant sound. Therefore, always refer to others by name and patronymic, if necessary. The name indicates the individuality of a person, his originality and uniqueness. This is the simplest compliment you can give to a person. Just call him by name.
The ability to listen. In conversation, people usually prefer to talk more than listen. Often they just wait for their turn to speak, and do not try to listen and delve into what they are told. Especially during an argument. If you listen carefully to the interlocutor, ask him clarifying questions and successfully use the phrases that he uttered earlier during the conversation, then you will pleasantly surprise him. Hearing and hearing the interlocutor is much more important than speaking.
Interesting topics of conversation. Talk about topics that are interesting to your interlocutor, and finding them out is quite easy and simple, using rule number 1 – showing genuine interest. When a person talks about something exciting, his eyes burn. Even if this topic does not seem particularly interesting to you, try to listen carefully. Surely you can learn something valuable and interesting for yourself.
Compliments. Each of us has unique traits worth admirable. Try to notice them in your interlocutor and sincerely express your admiration, approval, and praise. Your compliments should not be exaggerated or overt flattery. Falseness always feels good. A timely, sincere compliment will be very pleasant to your interlocutor and will make the conversation even easier and more relaxed.

Helpful tips for those who want to communicate well

The considered 6 rules of successful communication are the basis, without which it is rather difficult to win over the interlocutor. In addition to these rules, I want to give you some more tips that will help you communicate with people.

Maintain eye contact with the other person during the conversation. Your gaze should be open and friendly, not depressing or putting pressure on the interlocutor. Practice in front of a mirror if you are not sure you can look the other person in the eye correctly.
Always try to keep your back straight and your shoulders straight. This is a powerful signal that you are open to communication and are not afraid to engage in dialogue. Confident gait and gestures will complement your image of a successful person.
If you can’t get rid of shyness and excessive restraint when dealing with unfamiliar people, try to imagine that this is your old acquaintance, whom you simply have not seen for a long time. As a result of such a pleasant experience, your gaze will become softer, gestures and posture more open and friendly. Taken together, this will help to position the interlocutor and erase unnecessary psychological barriers that impede communication.
Develop attentiveness and sensitivity in relation to the interlocutor. Learn to read your dialogue partner’s emotions and reactions. This will help steer the conversation in the right direction. And also remember as much information as possible about the interlocutor. Subsequently, you can show your interest in it. It will flatter anyone.
Broaden your horizons. Read various books so that you have something to talk about and tell. Be curious about what’s going on around you. Then you will become an interesting conversationalist, able to keep up a conversation on any topic. A broad outlook is an integral attribute of personality.

To remain a pleasant conversationalist with whom people enjoy communicating, you should never:

complain about fate and discuss your problems;
use foul language, speak badly about mutual acquaintances and spread gossip;
harshly criticize the interlocutor, say that he is wrong and stupid if he thinks so;
choose topics for conversation that are interesting only to you.

So, we got acquainted with the basic rules and tips. Now it’s time to get down to practice. After all, theory without practice will not be useful.

Monologue in front of the mirror

Go to the mirror and start saying out loud the thoughts that come to your mind. Gradually try to connect them logically, consistently developing them so that you get an interesting story.

This exercise will help you understand how you look from the outside during a conversation, learn to write coherent sentences and establish contact with yourself. It is enough to exercise for 10 minutes 2 – 3 times a week.

How to learn to communicate easily with people, overcome inner fear?

Reading time 7 minutes

Many people have a fear of communicating with people. Some people easily speak in front of a huge audience, easily make acquaintances and naturally support any conversation, filling it with jokes. For some, keeping up with ordinary everyday conversation is a whole problem. Why is this happening? How to learn to communicate with people? Is it possible to learn to communicate easily and not feel fear, or is it a gift that is not available to everyone?

We need communication skills every day. Many people think that this skill is only necessary for businessmen to successfully negotiate. But this is not the case. Psychologists have proven that communication with people is one of the basic human needs that nothing else can replace. Any relationship between people, be it friendship, marital relationship is impossible without communication. This is a basic human need, on which the feeling of security depends, the feeling that we are loved and needed by someone, the feeling that we deserve respect.

Not knowing how to communicate often leads to divorce, because partners simply have not learned to negotiate. Many suffer from loneliness just because they are afraid to approach and make a new acquaintance. Communication, relationships and psychology are inextricably linked and greatly affect the quality of human life.

The ability to communicate is necessary for every person, it is the key to success in many areas of life. You must understand that talking and communicating are not the same thing. The concept of communication in psychology is a rather complex process that includes both verbal and non-verbal communication. An important role is played not only by the meaning of your words, but also by the timbre of your voice, intonation, posture and gestures. And the most important thing is the thoughts and feelings that are in your subconscious mind.

The interlocutors always feel what feelings and emotions you actually experience when you communicate. The psychology of interpersonal communication studies the problem, what are people really afraid of when communicating, what feelings do they experience? This can be fear of rejection or refusal, anger at offenders, fear of saying something out of place, being misunderstood and rejected, fear of expressing one’s opinion, low self-esteem and problems with diction.

The fear of communicating with people usually begins in childhood. And as adults, many still cannot survive some of the psychological trauma inflicted by parents or peers. “Don’t talk nonsense” is the catchphrase of many parents, which sows self-doubt in a child for almost the whole life. Often, excruciating speeches at the blackboard or peer ridicule are affected. Of course, these may not be such deep-seated problems. For example, a person may experience difficulties in communication if he is unable to establish contacts, is too modest, shy, has low self-esteem or complexes about his appearance, is afraid to cause displeasure in other people, or, due to his character, is unable to listen and understand other people.

If you are aware of your problem and often say to yourself: “I don’t know how to communicate,” then it’s time to talk to a psychologist who will help you find the cause of the disorder in your communication skills and give practical recommendations on how to eliminate them. You can also help yourself.

2 Mark Schreffler “Tone Scale”

There is a book on the same topic by Mark Schreffler called The Tone Scale. This is a man’s view of the problem. It is very valuable because one book was written by a woman and another by a man. And you will have such a voluminous look at this subject.

In addition, Mark Schreffler’s book is shorter. This is also a bomb. He gives other examples, so intelligible, cool. I got sick of this book. I realized many important points in my life thanks to the data from this book. And then life became easier for me.

Of course, any skill requires practice, work on oneself. And the data in these two books is actually deep, basic, fundamental. And mastering them can take quite a long time – years.

But even an initial reading will give a powerful, serious impetus to improve your communication and life, increase your level of happiness, and achieve your success in various areas.

3 Ksyusha Shapkarina “Changeable mood”

And Ksyusha Shapkarina made a children’s coloring book on this topic, which is called “Changeable mood”. Because this data is needed not only for adults, but also for children. The sooner a person learns them, the best in childhood, the easier it will be for him to communicate with his peers in kindergarten, school, and in general in life.

It is not for nothing that it is believed that the best foreign language is given to children. They grab him with a bang. And adults suffer – nothing comes of them. Knowledge is easy for children. Therefore, Ksyusha tried to make coloring books in such a playful way. This is a fairy tale about a hedgehog – an awesome fairy tale!

5 Eric Townsend “Neither friend nor foe”

Eric Townsend wrote the book Neither Friend nor Foe. She rolled me even more in her time. Although it is thinner. Another look at the problem, already from a male point of view. I’ve read both books, but this one has armed me with a better understanding of this whole topic. It was very valuable.

Sources used and useful links on the topic: https://levelself.ru/navyki/kak-pravilno-obshhatsya-s-lyudmi.html https://mistersmile.ru/kak-pravilno-razgovarivat-s-liudmi-psihologiia/ https: //rb.ru/story/razgovorit-vseh/ https://vsvoemdome.ru/psihologiya/kak-nauchitsya-obshhatsya-s-lyudmi https://salid.ru/journal/kak-nauchitsya-obshchatsya-s- lyudmi https://mistersmile.ru/psihologiia-obshcheniia-s-liudmi-knigi/

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