Why do you regularly choose the wrong men
Every woman wants to feel desired, loved and at the same time feel the same for her partner. To feel attraction at all levels – emotionally-sensory, bodily, so that there are common interests and dreams about the future. Why, then, do we repeatedly choose the “bad" guys and relationships that are the opposite of what we dream of? Let's figure it out with our expert.
Why codependency develops
Conscious relationships can be built only when you reach psychological maturity – you clear your psyche from accumulated traumas, pain, and negative past experience. Until this happens, you will unconsciously choose a partner through whom you can relive your unresolved traumas over and over again.
Let's figure out why we attract codependency and what problems are hidden behind it. Close relationships can be compared to a mirror: in them we are faced with our own facets of personality, psychological limitations, and this is far from always pleasant to realize. But it can also be development – through overcoming we come to harmony.
Codependency is a violation of attachment, when one of the partners obsesses over the other and makes him the center of his life. In such a relationship, a person feels vulnerable. He needs someone to identify himself through the “mirror” of another. Such people completely devote themselves to the chosen one, and their productivity in all other areas of life begins to sag. The reason, as a rule, is in childhood: the child was totally merged with his mother, and then there was a sharp separation. The kid has experienced a strong trauma, which in adulthood manifests itself in relationships with the opposite sex, in order to be discovered and healed. By the principle of a mirror, we meet people who can most clearly show us our limitations. And then space gives us a person with counter-dependence.
Counter -dependence is conditional "he depends on me, and I depend on the fact that he depends on me." This is such a tricky game. Counterdependence is the fear of merging with a partner and losing yourself. The basis of the trauma in this case is the fear of being rejected, rejected, burned. As a rule, such people have experienced these sensations more than once. The origins of such behavior are in the excessive emotionality of the mother and in her outbursts of uncontrolled reactions. Or, more often, in emotional distance or lack of contact. And an adult already either avoids intimacy, compensating for this with active achievements in other areas of life – work, hobbies, or, having fallen in love, begins to sharply set boundaries and distance himself.
Co-dependent people perceive this coldness and detachment very painfully – it's like living “abandonment” by their mother again and again. At such moments, codependents begin to plunge into chaos, trying to return the object of dependence. In response, the counter-addict withdraws even more, his instinct turns on – to run away from such a relationship.
How to get out of a codependent relationship
Work through psychological trauma associated with childhood and relationships with parents. There are many tools for this, but the most productive work is with a specialist. Shift your focus from your partner to social activities. Give some of your energy to a hobby, job, or activity that brings you pleasure. But it’s not worth diving headlong into it, otherwise it will be a classic displacement and the problem will not be solved.
Pay attention to yourself. Establish healthy habits that will help you take care of yourself: meditation in the evening, conscious awakening, sexual practices. They will help you to hear yourself again, to realize your attractiveness and value.
How to get out of addiction
Deal with psychological trauma. It is important to realize that your hardness and coldness is not strength, but a form of cover for weakness. A codependent partner may seem weaker because you see their vulnerability, but they are not. Allow yourself to go forward to feel the connection, and then get out of the situation together.
Listen to yourself. Individual practice: in moments when you want to distance yourself, try to determine the reason. Why are you doing this? What are you striving for? Your main task is not to close yourself from your partner, and therefore from yourself. Include it in your field for a better sense of community. And after all this, make decisions.
How relationships with parents affect our personal life
Fear of intimacy comes from distrust of the world. If globally, then this is the lack of emotional contact with the mother, who was supposed to lay the state "I am accepted by anyone, the world is good and full of opportunities." Only that mother who sincerely reads the world as a safe place can give a sense of security. If you broadcast to the child that “everything is fine”, but in fact, internally be in tension and anxiety, this will not work.
In addition, mother plays a huge role in a woman's life in terms of including her in the female biofield, in the zone of sensuality. If mom is not familiar with sensuality, then she has nothing to convey further. Dad plays an equally important role. The father gives us a sense of recognition as a woman. When we are sincerely interested in dad: he plays with us in childhood, recognizes our beauty, femininity, treats us delicately. In this case, we will choose a man with the same attitude towards us. We simply will not attract another, or, having attracted, we will not pay attention as to an unfamiliar one. When you work through these areas, you will feel both recognized and safe. And then there will be no fear to go into intimacy.
Also observe from what role, from what psychological age you are in contact with a partner:
Woman-girl: "give me love, otherwise I will be offended and cut my veins."
Teenage woman: “Whatever you give me, I don’t need it all, love me and don’t love me at the same time.”
Female parent: “come on, quickly went and reached all the heights for me, otherwise I’ll deprive you of sex and porridge in the morning.”
Mature woman: “If I step on the same rake, then it is my scripts that attract such events. And if I don’t know what I want, then this “something” must be sought within myself. It remains only to understand and work with what kind of scenarios prevent me from being happy, exploring myself and understanding my needs. From this state, that deep, adult pair story becomes possible, which every woman dreams of.
If, while reading the article, you felt your hands drop, “childhood again, mom again, dad again!”, do not lose heart. Give yourself a year, choose a good specialist with a built-in system of work and move gradually, step by step.
Do this not to quickly deal with hateful injuries, but as a way to take care of yourself. Explore your world, put yourself at the center of your life, not another person. It can be a very interesting journey if you choose the right motive and attitude towards the transformation process.