How to smooth out the difference in sexual temperaments

“Opposites attract" is a phrase we often hear when it comes to relationships. However, when it comes to sex and intimacy, opposing views of partners can lead to conflicts and misunderstandings. We figure out what to do if your couple has different ideas about “how, when and how much”, and how to smooth out the difference in sexual temperaments.

Sexual temperament vs libido

When it comes to sex, one of the main concepts is "libido" (lĭbīdo – "lust, desire, passion, aspiration"). The term was developed by Sigmund Freud in the theory of psychoanalysis to describe the various manifestations of sexuality. In modern sexology, “libido” is used precisely in the context of sexual desire, when we talk about a person’s desire to have sex. Sexual temperament is a relatively new concept, you can read about it in the second chapter of Emily Nagoski’s How a Woman Wants. With this phrase, Nagoski describes human behavior and attitudes towards sex more from the side of psychology and culture. Sexual temperament includes social attitudes, traditions and norms. It influences its formation and the character of the person himself, and how sex is talked about in his family, environment, media. The mentality also plays an important role. It depends on the sexual temperament of a person how he demonstrates desire to a partner, which sexual practices he considers acceptable, and which ones cause rejection. It will also depend on how a person shows feelings for a partner while in a relationship. To date, a variety of online tests offer to determine your sexual temperament, and the media offer “folk” methods – they offer to determine a person’s potential by the size of a nose or leg. However, both approaches should be equally questioned. Three types of sexual temperament are usually distinguished: how a person shows feelings for a partner while in a relationship. To date, a variety of online tests offer to determine your sexual temperament, and the media offer “folk” methods – they offer to determine a person’s potential by the size of a nose or leg. However, both approaches should be equally questioned. Three types of sexual temperament are usually distinguished: how a person shows feelings for a partner while in a relationship. To date, a variety of online tests offer to determine your sexual temperament, and the media offer “folk” methods – they offer to determine a person’s potential by the size of a nose or leg. However, both approaches should be equally questioned. Three types of sexual temperament are usually distinguished:

1. Strong, or hypersexual, temperament, the owners of which are easily excited, and external stimuli or stress can hardly reduce their desire to have sex. Such a person does not care how he looks during sex, what he / she / partner is wearing, whether a contraceptive is used, and so on.
2. The average temperament, according to statistics, has the vast majority of people (about 80% of men and women), which is endowed with a moderate sexual appetite. At the same time, external and internal stimuli can to some extent affect the desire and ability to have sex.
3. Possessors of weak sexual temperament easily refuse sex. At the same time, they may experience sexual desire, but too many extraneous factors can limit them in enjoying the process.

“As a practicing psychotherapist and sex therapist, at the beginning I would say that any classification both gives us more understanding about the issue, but also simplifies the “personality” of the person whom we write down in this classification. The classification does not take into account that each person has their own personal history, their own emotional traumas (the nature of which will directly affect the sexual sphere of life), their key emotional needs (including those that may be in short supply since childhood, and therefore in adulthood). life, a person will strive to close them at any cost; most often with the help of other people), his goals in life, his beliefs and internal

Sexuality and sexual desire are very broad questions and depend on many factors. When we talk about sexual temperament, it sounds like a constant. However, one person’s sexual desire can change significantly in different life periods and during personal development (when a person resolves his internal conflicts, becomes more mature and self-sufficient, works with his level of anxiety, etc.), 

– comments Christina Kostikova psychologist, psychoanalytic psychotherapist, sex therapist and business coach, member of the Association for Psychoanalytic Coaching and Business Consulting, author and expert of Psychologies, Lifehacker.

When temperaments are different

“For example, a woman brought up in the Eastern tradition will not take the initiative in bed. For twenty years of marriage, she did not do this, and as a result, her husband with a more Western upbringing initiated a trip to a psychologist, just to find out if there was still some interest in their relationship, if his wife wanted intimacy, “

– says psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky in an interview with RTVI. The difference in the sexual temperaments of partners may concern not only who takes the initiative or how many times a week a couple has sex. It can also affect much deeper and more painful places in a relationship:

• issues of personal boundaries and responsibility in relationships;

• issues of polygamy and monogamy;

• gender stereotypes and roles.

Often, on the basis of these differences, conflicts occur, relationship satisfaction falls, and couples find themselves either in the office of a psychologist or on the verge of parting. But what if the difference in sexual temperaments is not a sentence and not “incompatibility”? Different temperaments do not necessarily conflict, they can just as well complement each other, but, of course, partners will have to make some efforts for this.

What to do when the difference in sexual temperaments makes itself felt

Think about what could have caused the change if it suddenly appeared. A partner’s desire to have sex can decrease or increase for a variety of reasons: due to stress at work, health problems, conflicts with loved ones, having a child, starting a new project. By finding a starting point, you can change the circumstances or your attitude towards them. Just talk When something does not suit you, it does not make sense to hush up the problem, as well as to solve it radically. If you prioritize relationships with a certain person, and not the regularity of sex and the set of positions used in the process, you should sit down at the negotiating table, where you can agree, for example, on the frequency of sex, taboos or stop words. Change the sceneryArrange a date for yourself and your partner, a quest with spicy tasks or a party in a board game for adults. You can add something new to the process of intimacy itself: from role-playing games to using toys.

“If partners have a discrepancy in the topic of sexual desire – first of all, this should be discussed in pairs – calmly, without pretensions to each other and with respect for the differences of the other person. You can discuss: “Has it always been like this? If not, what could be the reason for this? What worries each of the partners? What does everyone fantasize about sexually? How can you help

You need to look for compromises (for example, self-satisfaction) if the relationship is important for both. The key is not to lie to yourself that your partner has to change for you. Yes, it can happen, but only if he himself wants it, ” 

– comments Christina Kostikova. Sometimes there are situations when partners are not ready to discuss differences and take steps towards each other. In such circumstances, not only relationships can suffer, but also their participants themselves. Partners may feel guilty or “wrong”, and in such a situation it is important to remember that the mismatch of sexual temperaments is normal. or allowing your partner to be aggressive towards you, as well as believing that something is wrong with you. The difference in sexual temperaments is not a sentence, unless the partners themselves decide otherwise.