Where does passion go from a relationship and how to return it
At the start of a relationship, butterflies flutter in the stomach, and the object of passion is the most desirable person in the world. It seems that it will always be like this and an endorphin flurry will overwhelm you every time you look at your partner. But life is not a fairy tale, and one day the partners find that interest has waned. For many, this becomes a real tragedy and even "the beginning of the end." We tell you why reducing the intensity of passions is actually not scary and how you can correct the situation.
Why does the fire go out?
People meet, fall in love, start living together. They share life, finances, have children and jointly acquired property. In simple words, this process is called "everyday life", and it is he who is blamed for the destruction of any romantic component. But if you look at this situation from a scientific point of view, you can see that passion does not always run away, frightened by the schedule of washing dishes and walking the dog. Sexologist Emily Nagoski, author of How a Woman Wants, writes about several reasons why partners lose interest in sex. Using the stories of collective characters as an example, she shows what led to the situation of fading and how to deal with it if the partners have a desire to return passion to the relationship. The main reasons, according to Nagoski, are:
The ratio of sexual temperaments of partners
Nagoski describes sexual temperament as a ratio of "gas" and "brake", where the first is the desire and willingness to have sex, and the second is the limiting factors (from stress to cultural attitudes about what is decent and what is not). All people have different sexual temperaments, and over time this difference becomes more and more noticeable.
Context change
"Context" as interpreted by Emily Nagoski is an almost limitless concept. This is a combination of external circumstances (where you are, who is next to you, what you are wearing, what the weather is like), and your inner feelings. In different circumstances, the partner may consider the same action exciting, or show no interest in it at all, or even behave aggressively. Anything can be attributed to a change in context: the beginning of a difficult period at work, the appearance of a small child who demands 100% attention, or a conflict between the partners themselves. Expert of the Lifehacker and Psychologies magazine, psychologist, psychoanalytic psychotherapist, sex therapist Kristina Kostikova names 3 more reasons: Illusion, when partners begin to perceive each other as an open book. And here the point is precisely in the perception, which is formed due to internal fear. We love to simplify things to protect ourselves. After all, the new is always disturbing (and at the same time passionate and interesting, if we consider the origin of relationships). In fact, every living person is a boundless universe with its own processes, changes, desires, goals. Every day we change, and so does our partner. One has only to allow myself to see this and remove the excessive confidence that I fully know what my partner is like, that “everything is clear" about him. The needs of partners in a couple cease to be closed. Conventionally, what this couple was originally built on is being transformed, and the partners are not ready for this. For example, if personal development, growth, exploration of this world is important for a person, then in the case when his partner stops developing, learn something new (for various reasons: perhaps the focus will shift to a child, or maybe initially this person broadcast himself as someone he is not in order to please), after a while, interest in the couple may fade. Or, if the foundation of this couple is more sex or external parameters, financial situation, when this component changes, when it decreases, the couple can also lose intimacy and feelings. Unwillingness to accept the transformation of relationships and the expectation that every day should be as passionate as in the first month of dating. Of course, this is a delusion that pushes immature people to betray in search of those very vivid experiences. Relationships change over time, they have more depth, security, which means that passion and feelings become more uniform. And it is the responsibility of every couple – not to expect that passion itself will appear between them, as in the beginning, but take responsibility for it and start contributing to its emergence. Pay attention to each other, be sensitive to the partner's desires, study what causes vivid feelings in each of you, and then bring it into the relationship. According to Kristina Kostikova, the fading of passion in a couple is not a matter of gender or gender, but exclusively of the emotional maturity of each from partners. A person's behavior in a situation where passion is no longer burning as before will be dictated by his own values, attitudes, as well as stereotypes and comparisons that may exist around him. but exclusively the emotional maturity of each of the partners. A person's behavior in a situation where passion is no longer burning as before will be dictated by his own values, attitudes, as well as stereotypes and comparisons that may exist around him. but exclusively the emotional maturity of each of the partners. A person's behavior in a situation where passion is no longer burning as before will be dictated by his own values, attitudes, as well as stereotypes and comparisons that may exist around him.
How to return passion?
This question is asked by many when they lack fire. Many decide to shake the old days and reproduce their first dates, sometimes even successfully. In her book, Emily Nagoski suggests talking before renting hotels where couples have gone on their honeymoon. First of all, partners will have to figure out why there is less intimacy in their relationship – this requires re-evaluating the context. For many people, sex is not a basic need and is easily shifted to the background by more pressing feelings: hunger, fatigue, fear, stress. In such a situation, the relationship is perceived as a safe space where you can stop, exhale and stop the survival mode for a while. But if this stress continues in the home, then sex, which was perceived as a reward for survival outside,
“It will be important for someone to accept the transformations in a couple, remove their expectations and look at their relationship with interest. Someone needs to remember what initially attracted them in a partner: over time, someone forgets, stops appreciating it and begins to perceive each other as a given that will not go anywhere. It will be important for someone to discuss the accumulated grievances and learn to openly share their feelings, desires and discontents. It will be important for someone to grow emotionally and relieve the partner of responsibility for closing their own childhood traumas – then the partner will begin to be perceived not as a parent, but as an equal, for whom passion is possible. Someone, together with a partner, will have to start making time for their relationship and passion, reinforce it, maintain a climate in a couple, look after each other again, not expecting that the passion itself should fall on a couple, “
For each person, the route will be individual, the main thing is to show enough patience and not make hasty decisions, including not to consider that the relationship is doomed if the sexual life has slowed down in them. What you don’t need to do is to diagnose sexual dysfunction in yourself or your partner by default, as well as showing aggression, forcing a partner to have sex or having sex against their will. Today, there are many “ready-made solutions” for couples who are faced with the problem of declining attraction: from erotic games to psychological training. Many of these products refer to two popular strategies for increasing attraction in monogamous couples. These strategies are named after their creators Esther Perel and John Gottman.
Perel's strategy – distancing
It is suitable for people who believe that they already know everything about each other. Esther Perel, in her book Breeding in Captivity, believes that the problem of long-term relationships that lose passion is due to the fact that a person seeks security and stability – this is love and supportive partnerships. But at the same time, a person strives for a new sensory experience – this is passion and attraction. In order to maintain both of these components in their relationship, each partner needs to maintain their independence and personal space, find time for their interests and not merge with a partner into a single organism. Thus, by distancing yourself, showing independence from your partner, you create an atmosphere of excitement and instability that is suitable for carving sparks.
Gottman's Strategy – Convergence
According to John Gottman, passion leaves couples due to lack of intimacy and trust. In this regard, the author proposes to base the erotic component on friendly, supportive relationships, in which both partners contribute and individuality. In this concept, there is a constant search for compromises, joint leisure, recognition of a partner even after many years of living together. According to Emily Nagoski, both of these approaches are relevant and applicable, the choice in favor of one or another model depends directly on each person's view of sex and attraction. For some, this is a feeling of pursuit, excitement, search. And for someone, sex is the ability to be in the moment and enjoy it.