On the same rake: why do we return to the former?

We have been seeing some kind of boom in returning to ex-lovers for several months now. Guf and Isa staged a whole performance on social networks with tears and insults, Ben Affleck and J. Lo coo after almost 20 years as if nothing had happened, Chloe Kardashian and Tristan Thompson now and then disperse, and then reconcile again, and Selena Gomez periodically lands to an alternate airfield in the form of one of the former – Andrea Iervolino for example.

What pulls people, like a magnet, to where only fragments of the bowl remain?

codependence

Strong feelings for a partner after a breakup and constant heartache make you return and plunge headlong into a previous relationship again. It seems that there we will find salvation and happiness. But alas, practice shows that this does not happen. We multiply what is already within us. Pain gives birth to more pain, suffering – more suffering. And there is only one way out – to eradicate codependency and only after that build relationships.

There's no one better on the horizon

They parted, but did not find a more promising partner. As in the song "Banderos": "I searched on the Internet, but I did not find a replacement for you." I want a Mercedes, but I can't afford it yet and I drive a Zhiguli. You need to understand that in this case this is a temporary relationship, just a “transit point". Everyone knows perfectly well that you need to grow up to a Mercedes and do a tremendous amount of work on yourself, and a Zhiguli is a replacement only for a while. And it is better to do this work on yourself together with the relevant specialists.

No time or desire to build new relationships

And you want love right now, even if it is illusory. It's like a patch for time. The wound is the unbearable desire for a relationship, and the patch is the relationship with the former. In this case, you can get short-term relief, and you will have to deal with this or that pain separately with a psychotherapist.

Cold calculation and selfish intentions

There can be many options here: money, sex, PR or gaining profitable acquaintances. Not a bad option, but only for mutually beneficial cooperation, as a rule, there is no personal happiness here.

Feelings of inadequacy, devaluation of oneself

I want to be needed at least the former. But after the beginning of a relationship, we again fall into the same rake, because we are faced with an appropriate attitude towards ourselves. The scheme is simple. We devalue ourselves – we get depreciation from others. Before building relationships, you need to put your self-esteem in place, otherwise, apart from tears, they will not be able to bring anything.

The pursuit of spiritual sadomasochism

A favorite option for a tyrant-victim relationship. In this case, people remember what happened earlier in the relationship and what it led to. And again dive into the pool with sharks. And sharks are happy to try, welcome! In such situations, both partners need the help of a psychotherapist, and in some cases even a psychiatrist.

The Need for Healing Internal Trauma

The world is our mirror, and the people who are in our environment, especially partners, reflect those situations, blocks, imperfections that we need to get rid of. And we unconsciously return to the former in order to work through those very internal traumas. But the same thing can be done in a more environmentally friendly way, at the reception of a psychotherapist.

Happy future with new exes

Rarely, but it happens. People break up, develop in all directions, gain experience separately from each other, change their worldview, they undergo a reassessment of values, work through internal traumas. And only after that they are ready to build quality relationships with each other. In this case, the reunion of the former is one of the best options for building a healthy relationship and a happy family. As we can see from the above, there is little good here. Most of the reasons for returning to the former are due to internal inferiority and an unhappy personal life. Which option a particular person or couple has, you need to figure it out individually at a personal appointment with a psychotherapist. And before resuming a relationship that has already ended, you should ask yourself what is driving you now, understand yourself and your condition.