Complaints about unsatisfactory sex, or at least reflections on the topic "it could be better" occur in almost everyone in individual consultations, those who undergo psychoanalysis or during couples therapy. This applies to both men and women, both of them often lie to each other: yes, yes, yes, here it is, orgasm, wow, only with you I can experience this, everything is fine, I love! Why lie? And is it about sex? Let's figure it out.<\/p>\n
Men are definitely more difficult. As if a priori, they should always want and be able. The stereotype is still the same. And he infuriates men. But it's scary to admit. Well, this is significance, strength, "I must." Although often not only fails an erection, premature ejaculation, but simply does not want to at all. Men also have a headache, they get tired, they have hormonal declines, and it hurts, but they are ashamed to admit it: she will think that I am weak. Therefore, either quickly, or I'll lie, fall asleep and that\u2019s it, I forgot, but I didn\u2019t disgrace myself.<\/p>\n
Women don't understand at all. Previously (for a long time) no one asked whether I enjoyed it or not. Today I feel like I have to. And a difficult time has come for many: how can he not want me, but I endure, I try; how to learn how to get an orgasm (here "vaginal" trainings arrived in time – we will teach you!); I want to be with this man, so I lie that I feel good in bed.<\/p>\n
Young people today avoid sex, studies have shown, saying they want to use the time for study, friendship, travel, and not for these ridiculous body movements. Sometimes you can neck or petting, but laziness. They generally stand up for the freedom to dispose of their own bodies and sensations.<\/p>\n
We are, on the one hand, a prisoner of stereotypes, on the other hand, a prisoner of anxieties, on the third – insecurity, on the fourth – sexual imitations, sex through I don\u2019t want to say that the couple is not all right with relationships and trust. Sex is not always bright, unforgettable, amazing, marital duty, habit or "health". It can be ordinary, but pleasant with a loved one, not shaking the walls, but gentle and not necessarily with an orgasm – sometimes the very presence of a partner\u2019s body nearby, his smell, touches give a feeling of euphoria. In addition, I have not met couples who have been together for many years solely because of sex: it is important, but not primary. There are other connections: feelings, care, support, financial component, ability to negotiate, common interests, joint knowledge of the new … But, feigning interest in sex, many men and women are deprived of just these important components of the quality of life. And the imitation of orgasm is the suppression of sexual desires, the need to conform to the stereotypes that society has brought to sexual life.<\/p>\n
So why do we lie in bed?<\/p>\n
Both men and women resort to deception if they feel they are unlikely to climax. They want to complete the act without offending their partners. Either one has reached a climax, and it is necessary to allegedly support him by lying, which is also.<\/p>\n<\/li>\n
Stereotypes: a woman says no, so yes; a man always can and wants; power over a woman is important for a man, and she must obey, like all animals; hence the increased anxiety and fear of not complying.<\/p>\n<\/li>\n
The myth that our sexuality is developed a priori. Do you remember your first experience? What's in the books? Or to the movies? Actually, no, right? We were already deceived. Any skills are experience and practice, tenderness and caution of a partner. This is not the area where he came, saw, conquered. So you can inflict trauma for life, and sex will become torture.<\/p>\n<\/li>\n
When they ask you, they say, how many sexual partners there were, send those who are interested away, who cares. But often this topic is a disturbing dilemma between being promiscuous or “who needs you (on) with your virginity", and then everything shrinks: what will he (she) think of me? You have to lie.<\/p>\n<\/li>\n
We deceive in order to gain a benefit, this is use for personal gain, and it is not only about material things: I need you as a successful partner, I will keep you by any means.<\/p>\n<\/li>\n
Time to drown out the uncertainty in your body, your feelings.<\/p>\n<\/li>\n
Lies serve dried up relationships that can no longer be glued together, but there is hope for sex as a panacea.<\/p>\n<\/li>\n
We lie to make our existence easier: instead of a dialogue aimed at uniting, the need to deal with the problem, someone drags you to bed with the hope that bodily practices will heal everything – alas, on the contrary.<\/p>\n<\/li>\n
Imitation most often occurs when there was a traumatic experience: humiliation, ridicule, insults, violence, that is, we lie to protect ourselves, lies, both in children and adults, are protection.<\/p>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
But in general, sex is really evidence. Because it is precisely by sexual joys or hidden\/obvious problems that one can determine how harmonious or painful the relationship in a couple is, in my work I pay close attention to this factor. And yes, I'm not going to tell you: no, never lie – it's up to you to lie or be honest. It is important for me to convey that sex has nothing to do with it if there are no connections in a couple. And then neither men nor women can feel safe until the only way to protect themselves or keep a partner is to lie.<\/p>\n