People who are interested in psychology and personal growth often fall into the same insidious trap. They know perfectly well that relationships that are commonly called “healthy" today can only be built on the basis of openness, honesty and intimacy. If you want a warm, good, respectful relationship, it is important not to allow manipulation, lies, pretense in them. This is, in general, so. But with good intentions, you can easily go to extremes.<\/p>\n
Openness, honesty and intimacy do not mean at all that you will regularly dump the whole truth-womb on your partner, no matter how unsightly it may be.<\/p>\n
Therefore, today Colady will tell you about topics that you should not discuss with your husband.<\/p>\n
In the pursuit of honesty, many people begin to confuse honesty with the absence of personal boundaries. And this is one of the most serious mistakes in building relationships, especially if the relationship is in its infancy.<\/p>\n
Personal boundaries delineate the space about which you can say: "This is my business, and it does not concern anyone else." This space includes, in particular, your previous relationships, your feelings, your life and psychological experience.<\/p>\n
There are things that a new partner really shouldn't talk about. And paradoxically, this will only benefit relations, create a basis for mutual understanding and respect. How else? There are boundaries – there will be respect. There are no borders – do not expect anything good.<\/p>\n
So, what moments are better not to voice, but to keep to yourself?<\/p>\n
Adult, mature people can talk and allow themselves to talk about their feelings and emotions. You can and should inform your partner about how you reacted to some of his words, actions, deeds. But experiencing emotions and feelings is one thing, but rushing about and reflecting on your feelings and emotions is quite another.<\/p>\n
It is generally accepted that most women are more emotional than men. And more unstable in this sense. In addition, many women are aware and organize their emotions by speaking them. Not all men need it, close and understandable.<\/p>\n
Emotions will pass, feelings will change, but information and conclusions will remain – including in the memory of a man. And the patterns of communication are such that it will not be easy to change the prevailing attitudes in this case.<\/p>\n
In addition, at the beginning of a love relationship, as a rule, there is a place for flirting, lightness and play. This is an important element of the relationship and there is no point in weighing it down with the burden of reflection.<\/p>\n
Every woman has her own ideas about what kind of man she would like to see next to her. There is also a list of minimum requirements – to appearance, character, actions, even specific actions.<\/p>\n
For example, a woman may think that a man should open the door for her, should show tact, or should earn more than she does.<\/p>\n
A classic stereotype common among many men: the mercantile soul of a woman constantly makes her interested in perishable, mortal and material things – where and by whom a man works, how much he earns, what kind of car he has (if he has one at all) and what kind of housing he is provided with (and he is by 30- ty, 40 or 50 years, of course, "should" be provided with it). That is why it is very important for women! And I want to meet a non-mercantile, disinterested … One who understands that all this is not the main thing and a man does not owe anything to anyone.<\/p>\n
It may seem surprising to women that men are not satisfied with this alignment. After all, this is logical when you are looking for a male who can provide stability and comfort. But for some reason it seems logical only to female logic. And if a woman is a thousand times right and logical, a man does not need to know about these beliefs at all. And the fact that he does not correspond to your ideas about the ideal partner, the man also does not need to know.<\/p>\n
A man, of course, realizes that he is not the first in your life. Yes, and you understand that you are not the first in his life either. By a certain age, each comes with his own baggage of experience and, as a rule, is ready to accept the baggage of another.<\/p>\n
But it is important to understand that most of us are ready to accept only the fact of the existence of this baggage, but certainly not its contents.<\/p>\n
Imagine that a man comes to your house with a suitcase and says that in this suitcase there are things from fishing, including catch, mire and bloodworms. OK then. Men need to do men's work! Fishing is a worthy occupation. And let him fiddle with this suitcase and put things in order. Somewhere. But you won't mind if he dumps all this on your bed, right? Knowing what's in a suitcase and digging into it – oh, what different things!<\/p>\n
It's the same with past relationships. Something to talk about this, intimate, is like stirring up dirty laundry.<\/p>\n
"Why did you break up? What caused the divorce? These questions are often asked by both men and women. And absolutely in vain. Words can not convey all the nuances. Yes, and there's no point in doing it. Even if it comes to parting, you will still be somehow different.<\/p>\n
The information that can be obtained in response to such questions is completely useless for relationships. However, it can reveal a lot about your boundaries. If you are discussing an ex with a new partner, talk about things that concerned only the two of you, then you will treat the new partner in the same way. And he probably doesn't want that.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n
Relationships are about just the two of you. The new partner wants to be sure that the secret and intimate that is between you will remain only between you, and that you will not pull out the intimate details of your life for all to see.<\/p>\n
An important quality of an adult, mature person is to live in the present, to be here and now. Naturally, this does not exclude the need for planning or goal setting! However, plans and goals must have some basis, otherwise they turn into empty dreams. Relationships are a territory where planning is very difficult, and it is not necessary.<\/p>\n
The goal can be very general: for example, “I want to create a warm, trusting relationship, a strong, reliable alliance, and I am ready to invest in it.” But when a woman begins to burden a man with what color she will paint the walls of the future nursery, how many children they will have or in which restaurant and with what menu she would like to celebrate the 10th wedding anniversary (which has not happened yet), this only causes one desire: stay away.<\/p>\n
On a subconscious level, such “planning” can turn on defense mechanisms in a man, actualize fears and weaken relationships rather than strengthen them.<\/p>\n
When a man comes into a woman's life, his entourage comes with him. The one that was chosen by him, and long before he decided on the chosen one. It is not a fact that you will be able to accept your partner's loved ones. In general, this is not required. It is enough to show respect for his choice.<\/p>\n
If you don't like the man\u2019s inner circle, it\u2019s better to establish distance and boundaries, to determine that parents, friends, children are one part of a man\u2019s life, and you are another part. These different parts do not need to intersect often and contact closely.<\/p>\n
It is best not to discuss these topics with a man, even if the initiative comes from him.<\/p>\n
A big mistake of insecure people is that they start to play up and dodge when such topics are raised. It\u2019s inconvenient to answer directly, you don\u2019t want to answer honestly, to remain silent will look strange. And evasions, evasions, hints, tactful half-answers, delicate excuses begin … In general, psychological games and manipulations. A poor foundation for a new relationship, especially if you want to build it on trust, like two adults, psychologically mature people.<\/p>\n
The most competent and correct option in such a situation would be a calm, emotionally neutral direct answer with a refusal to discuss the topic.<\/p>\n
For example, like this:<\/p>\n
“I would not like to discuss with you my ex-husband and the reasons for our divorce. This is our history with him, and it does not concern anyone else. ” “Yeah, you\u2019re right, I\u2019ve been on a real emotional swing lately! I need to figure it out myself and then I will definitely share it with you. ” “I don\u2019t see the point in talking about what type of men attracts me. After all, we are talking about you and me, and not about abstract tastes and preferences. Would you like me to tell you what attracted me to you the first time we met?” “I don't like to think too far. Let's talk about how we're going to spend this weekend. Do you already have ideas?<\/p>\n
The answer does not have to be yes! It just has to be: there is a question, there must be an answer. Refusal to discuss something is a quite worthy and, most importantly, honest answer. It will allow you to show selective frankness and at the same time confidently protect your personal boundaries.<\/p>\n
Do you have topics that you avoid in a conversation with a man?<\/p>\n
People who are interested in psychology and personal growth often fall into the same insidious trap. They know perfectly well: the relationship that today<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":471083,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":"","_wp_rev_ctl_limit":""},"categories":[262,251],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-475669","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-love-and-relationships","category-miscellaneous"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/inform.com.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/475669","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/inform.com.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/inform.com.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/inform.com.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/inform.com.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=475669"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/inform.com.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/475669\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/inform.com.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/471083"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/inform.com.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=475669"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/inform.com.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=475669"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/inform.com.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=475669"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}