Many beat themselves in the chest, claiming that they are ready for a divorce. But what they really need is not a divorce, but a professional therapist. Since both partners in marriage have strong affection for each other, while facing difficulties in the relationship – for the solution of which divorce is not necessary. After the breakup, they feel much worse, experiencing the loss of a partner.<\/p>\n
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- Were you really husband and wife?<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
Sometimes it happens that marriage, in fact, does not exist as such. People can raise children and live under one roof. However, their relationship leaves much to be desired – there is no true “we”, each has its own life. In this case, divorce is likely to be the best solution.<\/p>\n
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- Are you really ready for a divorce, or just want to shake his nerves a little?<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
Classics of the genre: spouses threaten each other with separation in family conflicts. The reasons are usually feelings of anger or frustration, the desire to gain power, or to get him to make any changes in the behavior of the partner.<\/p>\n
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- What are your true intentions?<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
Any desire other than the dissolution of the marriage indicates an unwillingness to divorce. You can hope that after parting, he will change, stop drinking, smoking, give a bouquet of roses every day and get the moon from the sky. But all this is not a suitable motivation. The only possible purpose of divorce is to end the marriage and make room for the new person.<\/p>\n
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- Can you realistically deal with the consequences?<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
Remember that dissolution of a marriage always brings about change. Do you have enough resources to cope with the changes in your life? Will there be enough money? Do you have a roof over your head? Will you be able to control your emotions, or will you plunge into the abyss of deep depression? When deciding to divorce, in many ways you need to remain pragmatic, and not commit rash acts.<\/p>\n
How to quickly normalize the psycho-emotional state4<\/h2>\n
This is one of the most important aspects. After a divorce, a woman feels overwhelmed, unattractive; persistent depression may occur, psychosomatic diseases may intensify. To prevent this from happening, follow these helpful guidelines:<\/p>\n
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- Believe in the best and try to worry as little as possible. Yes, this life span is very difficult. But it will be over soon. You will definitely stand and find your love. The important thing is that we can never return the time spent on experiences, suffering, pain. And in some cases, we can talk about the loss of health. Therefore, remember: divorce is a period when you need to be as concentrated and collected as possible. No matter how hard it is, focus on the positive, and then divorce will not be the end of life, but a rebirth to new happiness.<\/li>\n
- Try to change your place of residence. The house or apartment where you were together will always remind you of the past. It can be hard for you to leave these walls now. But the time of living together is over. Living with memories is much harder than taking one decisive step and stopping tormenting yourself. Moreover, when you meet a new man, he is unlikely to want to see this house, where the walls themselves are saturated with the spirit of the past.<\/li>\n
- Organize a support group. It can be one or two friends (girlfriends) who will support you with a kind word and simply by their presence. Important: do not spend a lot of time talking with friends who are married. They will most likely not be able to understand you, and will inadvertently make you feel even worse. The ideal option is to communicate with those who are also divorced.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
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- Get involved in activities that will boost your self-esteem. You can run a half marathon, go on a journey. Sign up for interesting courses – photography, mountaineering or, say, dancing. Do these things even if you don't feel like it at all. Sooner or later it will bear fruit anyway.<\/li>\n
- Concentrate on the big picture. Determine what is most important to you in the long term. And do not waste energy on those things that seem essential only now.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
To change yourself means to change your future6<\/h2>\n
It is worth remembering that like always attracts like. This rule is postulated by psychologists and confirmed by practice. More than once you, too, could see such a situation: a girl divorces her cheating husband or an alcoholic. And six months later, he finds himself exactly the same copy – if not worse.<\/p>\n
What does this mean? Psychologists are convinced that we meet a partner with mirror qualities. So the popular wisdom about two boots that are a pair is not fiction at all. But at the same time, it is not enough to see your contribution to the relationship (although for many girls this is also the comprehension of Zen in a relationship). It is also important to realize your own shortcomings, to work on transforming them into advantages, if this was not done in a relationship with your (already ex) husband. Otherwise, according to the law of similarity, you will attract exactly the same monster with which you fought such a long and bloody battle.<\/p>\n
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<\/a><\/p>\nDivorce should be an expression of your wisdom in life, inner harmony and balance. If the separation occurs on a negative note, it is unlikely that after that it will be possible to create a relationship filled with understanding and love.<\/p>\n
What not to do when parting with your husband<\/h2>\n
When the conversation about the divorce is left behind, it remains to pack up and leave. Now you need to learn to live differently. It is enough to adhere to the following points in order to correctly part with your husband:<\/strong><\/p>\n
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- refrain from sending him letters and calls;<\/li>\n
- refuse the offer to remain friends;<\/li>\n
- discard feelings of guilt and shame;<\/li>\n
- do not idealize your ex-husband;<\/li>\n
- give up hunting other men<\/li>\n
- stop crying;<\/li>\n
- do not involve children.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
After a divorce, many women call their ex to share feelings or emotions, plans or accomplishments. Psychologists concluded that it is easier to recover after a divorce for those people who limit communication with former partners, or even stop it altogether.<\/p>\n
The wife's offer to remain friends with her husband after the divorce removes some of the guilt from her, but gives the husband hope to resume the relationship. Therefore, if one of the partners decided to divorce, the idea of \u200b\u200bremaining friends should be abandoned.<\/p>\n
Often, when parting with her husband, wives begin to delve into themselves, look for mistakes and shortcomings, due to which the gap occurred. This threatens that the separation will be painful, and the path for new relationships will be closed.<\/p>\n
After a divorce, many women begin to miss their ex-husbands, they are drawn back to them. Although before that much had ceased to suit them in a relationship, they dreamed of parting. You need to pull yourself together and open up to a new life and events in it. If the past relationship had been that good, the breakup would not have happened.<\/p>\n
After parting with her husband, a woman wants to increase her self-esteem and rushes in search of other men. But such a method can deliver even more negative emotions, because a comparison between the new gentlemen and the ex-husband will begin. It often happens that the latter is a priority.<\/p>\n
When discussing divorce with your husband, you need to restrain yourself from crying: they will push the husband to the idea that the wife doubts her decision. And most importantly, you should not involve children in this unpleasant process. They feel the tension between their parents and begin to feel guilty about it. The reason for the separation should be explained to the children so that they understand that it is not their fault.<\/p>\n
How to talk to your husband about divorce<\/h2>\n
It is difficult to decide on a frank conversation when you doubt how you can break up with your husband without a scandal. Doubts and fears overwhelm him about how he will react, whether he will scream or take everything calmly. It is important to do without screaming yourself and not turn the conversation into a scandal. It is much better to conduct it in a tactful manner, without mutual accusations. The tone should be calm, confident and firm, the gaze should be directed into the eyes of the interlocutor.<\/p>\n
If you managed to withstand a peaceful conversation, you should thank him for making the spouse's decision and for the good moments that were in life together. He may not have become bad, just the paths of the partners went their separate ways.<\/p>\n
READ How to keep a family on the brink of divorce: advice from a psychologist<\/p>\n
It often happens that, not wanting to let go of his wife, the spouse begins to scream and insult her. A woman should remain calm, wait until he calms down and is ready to continue the conversation, or leave without mutual reproaches, but not shout back.<\/p>\n
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It is necessary to talk about divorce in the absence of children and strangers. But if there is a risk that the spouse may attack his wife in anger, then it is better to talk in a place where there are people.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
If there are children<\/h2>\n
It is even more difficult to make a decision about parting with a spouse when there are children in the family. Many couples believe that for the sake of their happiness, you need to sacrifice yourself by maintaining a relationship. In fact, this is not the case. If the parents are unhappy, the child sees and feels it. He becomes uncomfortable in such a family, he forms an erroneous model of family relations.<\/p>\n
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<\/a><\/p>\nIf leaving a spouse is a foregone conclusion, then it should be done not on emotions, but thoughtfully and consciously. Regardless of the age of the child, you need to seriously talk to him. This must be done without insulting the father, the child must have a sense of respect for him. When he becomes an adult, he will form his own point of view about what happened.<\/p>\n
Why do families break up?<\/h2>\n
Of course, Lev Nikolaevich Tolstoy was right when he wrote that “happy families are alike, unhappy families are unhappy in their own way.” There are a number of reasons that apply to almost all divorce:<\/p>\n
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- Jealousy and lack of trust. Where trust has disappeared and jealousy has appeared, there is no place for love and tranquility. Surveillance, suspicions, phone and email checks, scandals out of the blue – this is an incomplete list of what is happening. It is impossible to live without feeling protected, without faith in the person who is nearby. It is still possible to solve the problem at an early stage, but if you start it, the relationship will deteriorate quickly and forever. Parting at the same time is perhaps a better solution than a painful life together.<\/li>\n
- Lack of common goals and interests. Spouses can be complete opposites of each other, but they must look in the same direction. If a couple does not have common goals, sooner or later this will lead to disappointment. Of course, children can keep such a union afloat. But they grow up and start living their own lives. At this moment, the illusion of a strong union collapses, a man and a woman are left without connecting threads. It's just that two people living side by side is a sad picture.<\/li>\n
- Violence. When it comes to this, fights, beatings or coercion into intimacy are immediately presented. But in many marriages, people also face psychological abuse. These are attempts to completely control a partner, criticism and insults, showing their power, intimidation. To this we add manipulations, including those associated with attempts to protect one of the spouses from the outside world, to prohibit communication with someone, work, and so on.
\nWomen manifest themselves in psychological abuse more often than men.<\/li>\n - Deceiving expectations. People are prone to fantasy and love too. The idea of \u200b\u200ba partner is able to hide reality from the eyes for a while. But sooner or later the veil subsides, and the person realizes that next to him is not at all the one who presented himself in his dreams. Not everyone is ready to put up with deceiving expectations.<\/li>\n
- Dependencies. Living with a person with addiction of any kind is difficult, almost impossible. Drug addiction, gambling addiction, alcoholism – all this can be safely attributed to serious diseases. Unfortunately, it is impossible to cope with them without the desire of the patient himself. Alcoholics, like gambling addicts and drug addicts, do not admit to being addicted to the last and, even realizing that things are bad, refuse help. Trying to help someone who doesn't need it is thankless.<\/li>\n
- Development. Oddly enough, but it is development that is one of the reasons why parting with a husband or wife occurs. One person from a pair strives forward, develops, sets goals and achieves them, and the second lives one day, does not want changes. As a result, people move away from each other, lose the connecting threads.<\/li>\n
- Financial problems. Budgeting is a common cause of divorce. There are many unpleasant situations related to money. The spouse can spend the salary at their own discretion, without investing a penny in the general needs. Or dispose of the joint money the way you want, without consulting. It happens that one of the spouses earns much more than the other, which causes feelings of inferiority.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
How to break up with her husband without a scandal, women often think. Men, too, can be plagued by doubts, but they still make decisions faster.<\/p>\n
Psychologists say that the causes of separation are divided into external and internal. External ones are jealousy for no reason, domestic squabbles, and so on. This is the tip of the iceberg, which indicates internal problems such as lack of mutual understanding, distance from each other and the like.<\/p>\n
Here are some statistics:<\/p>\n
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- 40% of couples break up due to psychological or physical unpreparedness for marriage,<\/li>\n
- 30% – due to the negative dependence of one of the partners to something,<\/li>\n
- 15% of men and women disagree because of infidelity,<\/li>\n
- 9% of families are destroyed due to everyday problems,<\/li>\n
- the remaining 6% are due to jealousy, financial problems, sexual dissatisfaction and infertility.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
How to decide to break up<\/h2>\n
Be sure to weigh the pros and cons before taking this step. For clarity, you can write down all the positive and negative aspects of the divorce on a piece of paper. For example:<\/p>\n
- Can you realistically deal with the consequences?<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
- What are your true intentions?<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
- Are you really ready for a divorce, or just want to shake his nerves a little?<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n